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The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v.16

The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 16
It is true that the problems of obesity children in advance countries have grown rapidly in the past recent years. A group of people believe that it is due to the increasing number of fast food restaurants in the areas, while another group thinks that it is due to the parents’ mistakes, as they have given fewer attentions to the children these days. Although the growing numbers of fast food outlets do affect the problem, but I also agree that the lack attentions of the parents also give significant impact on the obesity cases. On the one hand, it is undeniable that the significant growths of fast food outlets have truly affected the case of overweight problem in children. In most public places such as in theme parks or shopping malls, fast food outlets restaurant definitely exist, and they offer various kinds of things which attract the children. For instance, Mc Donald regularly gives additional bonus such as toys for the children’s meal package. As more and more children are attracted to visit the fast food outlets, the existence of the outlets have grown rapidly nowadays and they have outnumbered the healthy ones. As a consequence of the increasing trend, the children have more option of outlets that they can select, and the probabilities of the children in consuming the foods are getting higher. On the other hand, I do believe that parents are also responsible for the problem as well. In the modern days, the roles of wives have changed, as most of them have become career women these days. Since they are focused on their careers, they have less time in doing the household activities, which include preparing meals for their children. Instead of cooking healthy foods, they prefer to give meal allowance to their children, which is more practical and efficient. As a result, many of the children purchased their meal in fast food restaurants, and they have become overweight. In conclusion, although the increasing populations of fast food restaurants have given some contribution to the problem of overweight children, I do believe that the lack attentions of parents also play a significant role as well.
It is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in advance countries have grown
rapidly
in the past recent years. A group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is due to the increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurants
in the areas, while another group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that it is due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
mistakes, as they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
fewer attentions to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
these days. Although the growing numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outlets
do affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the lack attentions of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
also
give significant impact on the obesity cases.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that the significant growths of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outlets
have
truly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the case of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In most public places such as in theme parks or shopping malls,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outlets
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurant
definitely exist, and they offer various kinds of things which attract the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mc
Donald
regularly
gives additional bonus such as toys for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
package. As more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are attracted
to visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outlets
, the existence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outlets
have grown
rapidly
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
nowadays and
they have outnumbered the healthy ones. As a consequence of the increasing trend, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more option of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outlets
that they can select, and the probabilities of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in consuming the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are getting higher.

On the other hand
, I do believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
also
responsible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
as well
. In the modern days, the roles of wives have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, as most of them have become career women these days. Since they
are focused
on their careers, they have less time in doing the household activities, which include preparing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meals
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Instead
of cooking healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, they prefer to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
allowance to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which is more practical and efficient.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurants
, and they have become overweight.

In conclusion
, although the increasing populations of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
restaurants
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
contribution to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I do believe that the lack attentions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
also
play a significant role
as well
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
51Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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