Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v.15

The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 15
I strongly believe that both components mentioned: the growing of fast food counters along with parent's attention deficit over their children health could be blamed for the causes of overweight young people. In term of fast food counter, it should not be solely pointed as the contribution factor toward this matter. The increment of cow milk consumption in toddlers, in a change for breastfeeding milk, is also in charge guilty. Research conducted on this had proven that obesity is common among baby who were given cow milk instead of being breastfed.   Fast food, on the other hand, contains high fats and unsaturated fatty acids, which are hazardous for wellbeing not only for children but also for grown up people. Whereas, parents' lack of attention to their children's eating habits must be taken seriously as well. They must be acknowledged the importance of introducing nutritious meals to children. Children under five years of age, for instance, is best given high protein contains food, which accounts for brain development and boosting their cognitive ability. And as for obesity, one must be alerted on its impact on children's health status for it had been recognised as one of the major factors resulting in cardiovascular disease, diabetes and stroke. In conclusion to this essay, parents' knowledge in a healthy lifestyle and early introduction of a healthy lifestyle to the children must be given more emphasis to help anticipate the increase numbers of overweight young people. In addition, a government along with the society must also hold full responsibility for the children's wellbeing in general. It might be a good idea to create a policy controlling fast food outlets opening in many cities.
I
strongly
believe that both components mentioned: the growing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
counters along with parent's attention deficit over their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
health could
be blamed
for the causes of overweight young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In term of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
counter, it should not be
solely
pointed as the contribution factor toward this matter. The increment of cow milk consumption in toddlers, in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
for breastfeeding milk, is
also
in charge guilty. Research conducted on this had proven that obesity is common among baby who were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
cow milk
instead
of
being breastfed
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
on the other hand
, contains high fats and unsaturated fatty acids, which are hazardous for
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for grown up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Whereas, parents' lack of attention to their children's eating habits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
seriously
as well
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be acknowledged
the importance of introducing nutritious meals to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
under five years of age,
for instance
, is best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
high protein contains
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, which accounts for brain development and boosting their cognitive ability. And as for obesity, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be alerted
on its impact on children's health status for it had been
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognised' is British English.
recognised
as one of the major factors resulting in cardiovascular disease, diabetes and stroke.

In conclusion
to this essay, parents' knowledge in a healthy lifestyle and early introduction of a healthy lifestyle to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more emphasis to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
anticipate the increase numbers of overweight young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
In addition
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
along with the society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
hold full responsibility for the children's
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
in general
. It might be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to create a policy controlling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlets opening in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cities.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 15

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts