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The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.4

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. v. 4
It is sometimes argued that TV, newspapers and magazines spend so much notification to the lives of well-known people such as actors and singers. There are many people believe that they should devote more time to report the ordinary peoples' lives instead. In my opinion, I totally disagree with the first view while I agree with the latter view and I will explain my idea in my essay. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why the media pay a lot attentions in the personal lives of the celebrities. First of all, the lives of famous people are the topic of focusing of many people nowadays. Common people might want to follow the latest trends by emulating them so that they can exhibit in their friends' circles. Secondly, celebrities are the ones who not only successful in their fields, but also very beautiful and handsome. For example, Pewdiepie, the YouTube that not only success in his life, but also handsome. On the other hand, I believe that ordinary people should be noticed more. The first reason is that there are many people who have many fascinating stories of life. For instance, the teachers who take their students to success or the doctors who rescue the lives of people. The second reason is that watching or reading too much about the famous peoples' lives may lead some people to the idea that success and fame is easy to achieve so the schoolwork is optional. In conclusion, I believe that it is good to show how celebrities live, but it only an extent where it could be motivating for the ordinary people.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that TV, newspapers and magazines spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much notification to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
such as actors and singers. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that they should devote more time to report the ordinary peoples'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
instead
. In my opinion, I
totally
disagree with the
first
view while I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter view and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
in my essay.

On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why the media pay
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lot of attentions"?
a lot attentions
in the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of the celebrities.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the topic of focusing of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays. Common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might want to follow the latest trends by emulating them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can exhibit in their friends' circles.
Secondly
, celebrities are the ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
successful in their fields,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
and handsome.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pewdiepie
, the YouTube that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
success in his life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
handsome.

On the other hand
, I believe that ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be noticed
more. The
first
reason is that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fascinating stories of life.
For instance
, the teachers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
take their students to success or the doctors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
rescue the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The second reason is that watching or reading too much about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
peoples'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
may lead
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that success and fame is easy to achieve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the schoolwork is optional.

In conclusion
, I believe that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
how celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
an extent where it could be motivating for the ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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