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The mass media, including television, radio and newspapers, have great influence in shaping people's ideas. v.6

The mass media, including television, radio and newspapers, have great influence in shaping people's ideas. v. 6
In this day and age, mass media have become an epidemic all around the world. So that, people in different ages follow and use them, such as television, newspaper and the internet have become more popular among individuals. On the contemporary worlds, whether the influence of mass media in shaping people's life is a controversial issue. One group of people believes that media have no effects on people's lifestyle, while others are the advocate of many powerful influences of mass media in our lives. I personally agree with the latter group, because of two main reasons which are elucidated below. First group claims that mass media cannot have an effect on our decisions and believes; since it has been taken for granted. Of course, they are right to some extent, but I think they considered this issue superficially. First of all, mass media have a profound impact on cultures. It causes to eliminate the boundaries of cultures among people and creates globalisation. The globalisation is a good instance to depict the effect of mass media because individuals now can see what is happening in other countries or how they are dressed and how their culture is different. As a result, they usually imitate what others do. Secondly, mass media are a source of information. It informed people about daily events or new discoveries. This information sometimes is used to change people's opinion. For example, in a presidential election, the fan of different candidates advertise in media like, television or the internet for them, and absorb attention to elect any person that they want. In conclusion, as I mentioned above, the influence of mass media is undeniable, and it can change our beliefs and our ideas.
In this day and age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have become an epidemic all around the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ages follow and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them, such as television, newspaper and the internet have become more popular among individuals. On the contemporary worlds, whether the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
in shaping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life is a controversial issue. One group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have no effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's lifestyle, while others are the advocate of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
powerful influences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter group,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of two main reasons which
are elucidated
below.

First
group claims that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
cannot have an effect on our decisions and believes; since it has
been taken
for granted.
Of course
, they are right to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they considered this issue
superficially
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have a profound impact on cultures. It causes to eliminate the boundaries of cultures among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and creates
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
. The
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
instance to depict the effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
what is happening in other countries or how they
are dressed
and how their culture is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
As a result
, they
usually
imitate what others do.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
are a source of information. It informed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
or new discoveries. This information
The adverb 'sometimes' usually goes after the verb 'is'.
sometimes is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's opinion.
For example
, in a presidential election, the fan of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
candidates advertise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
like, television or the internet for them, and absorb attention to elect any person that they want.

In conclusion
, as I mentioned above, the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is undeniable, and it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our beliefs and our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The mass media, including television, radio and newspapers, have great influence in shaping people's ideas. v. 6

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
285 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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