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The mass media, including television, radio and newspapers, have great influence in shaping people's ideas. v.1

The mass media, including television, radio and newspapers, have great influence in shaping people's ideas. v. 1
It is irrefutable that school study is a foundation of a future. It is a debatable issue that school should teach only the subjects that gives benefit to the future rather than subjects like music and sports. However, I disagree with this statement that music and sports subjects are useless. First of all, no doubt school should give teaching to students' subjects like math, English as well as science as these all subjects are essential for every student's future. For example, for medical career science and biology are important subjects and education institute should teach these subjects in schools. On the other hand, the subjects like music and sports are also important subjects for every child. This is because every student has their own interest in subjects. Not every pupil wants to be a doctor or an engineer. So for those who have an interest in these subjects are important to study. Apart from this, sports also maintain physical health of students. As learner gets a chance to play some outdoor games in sports period. Moreover, some students feel bored from math and science class. Music subject is given a chance to rejuvenate their mind and children get concentrate to other subjects. Furthermore, these types of subjects are given chance to every pupil to show their hidden talent. For instance, last year from the BBC report, we came to know that 65% students know about their hidden talent just because of extra curricular activities. So these are not useless subjects Overall, I repeat my opinion that schools should not teach only basic subjects like math, science and English, but should also give information about other subjects as these are also important like basic subjects.
It is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
study is a foundation of a future. It is a debatable issue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should teach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that gives benefit to the future
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
However
, I disagree with this statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are useless.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, no doubt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should give teaching to students'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like math, English
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
as these all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are essential for every student's future.
For example
, for medical career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and biology are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and education institute should teach these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in schools.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
for every child. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Not every pupil wants to be a doctor or an engineer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
for those who have an interest in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to study. Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
also
maintain physical health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
learner
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a chance to play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outdoor games in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
period.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
feel bored from math and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a chance to rejuvenate their mind and children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
concentrate to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Furthermore
, these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
chance to every pupil to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their hidden talent.
For instance
, last year from the BBC report, we came to know that 65%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
know about their hidden talent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
these are not useless
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
subjects


Overall
, I repeat my opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should not teach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like math,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and English,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
should
also
give information about other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as these are
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
like basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay The mass media, including television, radio and newspapers, have great influence in shaping people's ideas. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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