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The graph shows the amount earned by graduates of different age group Iin2002. It includes those with a degree, whose with a higher degree (postgraduate) and those with other qualifications. v.1

The graph shows the amount earned by graduates of different age group Iin2002. It includes those with a degree, whose with a higher degree (postgraduate) and those with other qualifications. v. 1
Happiness is considered as a state of mind by many people, however, some believes that there are several factors which affects the level of happiness among individuals. There are valid arguments for both the sides, but in my view, various internal and external factors play an important role in making a happy person. On the one hand, it is believed that the happiness is controlled by one’s mind and soul. In fact, people practice yoga, meditation, and attend various inspirational lectures to have a good control over their bodies and minds during all the bad and good days of their lives and thus, helping them in gaining a good mental health and inner peace. For instance, the powerful personalities of this world sometimes commits suicide due to a poor state of mind, low self esteem and a depressed mood despite of owning all kinds of fortunes. On the other hand, many individuals find happiness in sharing a close family bond, a good level of satisfaction in the workplace, the fulfilment of their dreams, and having a healthy life. For example, some serious ailments like cancer will definitely lower the morale of a person, and the broken families with the loss of unity and harmony among family members will affect the inner peace of an individual. Moreover, it has been considered that weather like spring and sunny days are more pleasant than cold freezing winters, to have green surroundings reduce the stress level, and even having a pet helps to escalate the happiest life. To recapitulate, I opine that a good psychology of an individual will help to attain an elated soul, however, it cannot be denied a person can be happy if everything is going against the expectations.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is considered
as a state of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believes that there are several factors which affects the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. There are valid arguments for both the sides,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my view, various internal and external factors play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in making a happy person.

On the one hand, it
is believed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is controlled
by one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
and soul. In fact,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
practice yoga, meditation, and attend various inspirational lectures to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
control over their bodies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
during all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
days of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
thus
, helping them in gaining a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
mental health and inner peace.
For instance
, the powerful personalities of this world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
commits suicide due to a poor state of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
, low
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
and a depressed mood
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
owning all kinds of fortunes.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in sharing a close family bond, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
level of satisfaction in the workplace, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
of their dreams, and having a healthy life.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious ailments like cancer will definitely lower the morale of a person, and the broken families with the loss of unity and harmony among family members will affect the inner peace of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
.
Moreover
, it has
been considered
that weather like spring and sunny days are more pleasant than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
freezing winters, to have green surroundings
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level, and even having a pet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to escalate the happiest life.

To recapitulate, I opine that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
psychology of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to attain an elated soul,
however
, it cannot
be denied
a person can be happy if everything is going against the expectations.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph shows the amount earned by graduates of different age group Iin2002. It includes those with a degree, whose with a higher degree (postgraduate) and those with other qualifications. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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