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the major cities in the world are growing fast, as well as their problems. What are the problems that young people living in cities are facing? give solutions to these problems v.2

the major cities in the world are growing fast, as well as their problems. What are the problems that young people living in cities are facing? give solutions to these problems v. 2
In the modern era, the development of the world becomes more sophisticated and gives a great impact to the vast majority of cities. However, the effects of people living in the city are being concerned with many people, which the details of its issues will be investigated here as well as the rational ideas to overcome it. There are several impacts of staying in the city central to the human life. First and foremost, the crowding of people would lead to the overpopulation in the city, which create the unsafe environment, since, the area is filled with unknown people. By looking at this condition, it could increase the number of crimes that markedly dangerous for most individuals to live there. Furthermore, it is also affecting a traffic congestion that distracts the running activities of society, and another thing such as pollution could be polluted the fresh and clear air. Thus, this will be a serious problem, if it relates to the healthy environment for the inhabitants. To tackle these issues, the right solutions should come from the wise policy from the government. Firstly, the policy maker has to decide a basic regulation of their society, that is about making a tight decision for newcomers to get permission for living there. As a result, it will automatically reduce the percentage of vehicle users that causes an air contamination. The head of the region could also provide the comfortable public transportations to avoid them from using private cars, for instance. Moreover, the standards of safety should be improved around the living complex or public area. The strict guard from the security department will be effective to secure the big city from criminal actions. By way of conclusion, although, the major cities provide most benefits, yet there is something that needs to be careful since the beneficial things are not always rendering nice things. As long as the government able to take care these related issues with its wise policy, the dense population, traffic congestion, a great pollution and crime will be reduced.
In the modern era, the development of the world becomes more sophisticated and gives a great impact to the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
However
, the effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in the city are
being concerned
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of its issues will
be investigated
here
as well
as the rational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to overcome it.

There are several impacts of staying in the city central to the human life.
First
and foremost, the crowding of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would lead to the overpopulation in the city, which create the unsafe environment, since, the area
is filled
with unknown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. By looking at this condition, it could increase the number of crimes that
markedly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for most individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
there.
Furthermore
, it is
also
affecting a traffic congestion that distracts the running activities of society, and another thing such as pollution could
be polluted
the fresh and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
air.
Thus
, this will be a serious problem, if it relates to the healthy environment for the inhabitants.

To tackle these issues, the right solutions should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from the wise policy from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Firstly
, the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
policy maker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
decide a basic regulation of their society,
that is
about making a tight decision for newcomers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
permission for living there.
As a result
, it will
automatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the percentage of vehicle users that causes an air contamination. The head of the region could
also
provide the comfortable public transportations to avoid them from using private cars,
for instance
.
Moreover
, the standards of safety should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
around the living complex or public area. The strict
The usual collocation for "guard" is "against" not "from". Did you mean "guard against"?
guard from
the security department will be effective to secure the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
city from criminal actions.

By way of conclusion, although, the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
provide most benefits,
yet
there is something that needs to be careful since the beneficial things are not always rendering nice things. As long as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
able to take care these related issues with its wise policy, the dense population, traffic congestion, a great pollution and crime will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay the major cities in the world are growing fast, as well as their problems. What are the problems that young people living in cities are facing? give solutions to these problems v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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