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The professor describes the behavior of horses and antelope in herds. Explain how their behavior is related to their suitability for domestication. v.1

The professor describes the behavior of horses and antelope in herds. Explain how their behavior is related to their suitability for domestication. v. 1
In today's modern world, numerous researches have been conducted around the globe in order to improve the temperament and the evolution of an individual. There is one recent research which has clearly shown that the personality and development of a person are highly likely to depend on the characteristics that they are born with as compared to other experiences in their life. However, I believe experiences of a person will have a greater impact on one's charisma and advancement. Undoubtedly, if we could utilise the experience we gain from working or travelling abroad, we would be more mature and more open-minded. Whenever we arrive in a new place, we can learn the cultures and traditions from the locals in order to acquire more information about the lifestyles of others and eventually become more knowledgeable. Besides, we may learn how to respect and not to criticise the customs of other races which may be slightly or totally different from ours. By doing so, we can actually get benefited by being able to look at the problems from a various perspective. We may also become more self-independent than others if we live in a harsh environment when we were young. To illustrate, in China, many children have to sacrifice their studies and come out to work since they were small. They are proved to have the ability to make more mature decisions on their own in a research conducted in China between those who are affluent and those who live in poverty. Moreover, people who face a lot of hardships in their lives will have a detailed plan of what to do next. For instance, they will organise their expenditure well, which in other words, they will not spend money on unnecessary things, especially those luxury items. Therefore, it is apparent that the experiences gained from a various field in their lives have a huge influence on one's personality and evolution. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that life experience has major consequences on our personalities and developments than the characteristics that we are born with. We will be able to think from different perspectives and make wise decisions if we use the experiences that we gained in our daily lives.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's modern world, numerous researches have
been conducted
around the globe in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the temperament and the evolution of an individual. There is one recent research which has
clearly
shown that the personality and development of a person are
highly
likely to depend on the characteristics that they
are born
with as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
in their life.
However
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
of a person will have a greater impact on one's charisma and advancement.

Undoubtedly
, if we could
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
we gain from working or travelling abroad, we would be more mature and more open-minded. Whenever we arrive in a new place, we can learn the cultures and traditions from the locals in order to acquire more information about the lifestyles of others and
eventually
become more knowledgeable.
Besides
, we may learn how to respect and not to
Possible spelling mistake. 'criticise' is British English.
criticise
the customs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
races which may be
slightly
or
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from ours. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, we can actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefited by being able to look at the problems from a various perspective.

We may
also
become more self-independent than others if we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a harsh environment when we were young. To illustrate, in China,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sacrifice their studies and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out to work since they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
. They
are proved
to have the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more mature decisions on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
in
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted in China between those who are affluent and those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in poverty.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
hardships in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
will have a detailed plan of what to do
next
.
For instance
, they will
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
their expenditure well, which in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they will not spend money on unnecessary things,
especially
those luxury items.
Therefore
, it is apparent that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
gained from a various field in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
have a huge influence on one's personality and evolution.

In conclusion
, I am of the opinion that life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
has major consequences on our personalities and developments than the characteristics that we
are born
with. We will be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
wise decisions if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
that we gained in our daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The professor describes the behavior of horses and antelope in herds. Explain how their behavior is related to their suitability for domestication. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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