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The line graph shows the consumption of fish and different kinds of meat in European between 1979 and 2004 v.1

The line graph shows the consumption of fish and different kinds of meat in European between 1979 and 2004 v. 1
These days, there is a rising number of social issues related to youth. While it could be due to a variety of reasons, there is a view that the root cause is that parents tend to spend more time at work than with their children. This essay will argue why this view is entirely justified and provide relevant evidence for this. To begin with, it is true that younger generations might experience some troubles in outer world due to external aspects such as unhealthy environment, peer influence, mass media, to name but a few. As growing up, young person usually absorbs both positive and negative behaviour and cannot distinguish them appropriately, which, as a consequence, might lead to petty crime or even juvenile delinquency. To illustrate, some young people, being under the influence of their peers, may commit minor offences, which can result in problems with society. Thus, there are more aspects which may cause these problems, other than parental negligence. Conversely, these factors are more likely to impact youth exactly because of the aforementioned parental negligence, since it is parents' responsibility to establish ground rules to their child and teach him to behave. If a parent does not pay enough attention to his child's upbringing, which mostly happens when they spend too much time working, this child is likely to catch up from the surrounding environment that could be quite unhealthy. To illustrate, studies have shown that children from attentive families have committed less crime, than those who were neglected. Therefore, parents should spend more time with their children in order to nurture them. To conclude, it is entirely justified, that the increasing number of social issues involving youth stems from the fact, that parents tend to spend more time at work rather than with their children. With regards to any other reasons, like unhealthy environment and peer influence, it could be diminished by proper upbringing.
These days, there is a rising number of social issues related to youth. While it could be due to a variety of reasons, there is a view that the root cause is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at work than with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This essay will argue why this view is
entirely
justified and provide relevant evidence for this.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is true that younger generations might experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
troubles in outer world due to external aspects such as unhealthy environment, peer influence, mass media, to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a few. As growing up, young person
usually
absorbs both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and cannot distinguish them
appropriately
, which, as a consequence, might lead to petty crime or even juvenile delinquency. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, being under the influence of their peers, may commit minor
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
, which can result in problems with society.
Thus
, there are more aspects which may cause these problems, other than parental negligence.

Conversely
, these factors are more likely to impact youth exactly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the aforementioned parental negligence, since it is parents' responsibility to establish ground
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to their child and teach him to behave. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
does not pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
attention to his child's upbringing, which
mostly
happens when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working, this child is likely to catch up from the surrounding environment that could be quite unhealthy. To illustrate, studies have shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from attentive families have committed less crime, than those who
were neglected
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to nurture them.

To conclude
, it is
entirely
justified, that the increasing number of social issues involving youth stems from the fact, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at work
rather
than with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
any other reasons, like unhealthy environment and peer influence, it could
be diminished
by proper upbringing.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay The line graph shows the consumption of fish and different kinds of meat in European between 1979 and 2004 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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