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The line graph shows the average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services between 2001 and 2010. v.1

The line graph shows the average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services between 2001 and 2010. v. 1
Modern age is the age of technology and we are becoming more and more dependent on technology as time passes. We observe that an increasingly number of people are losing their jobs because they have been replaced by computers. This essay will discuss which jobs are replaced by computers and possible issues which may result because of this scenario. In my opinion, some jobs are at higher risk than other which can be replaced by computers. For example, simple data entry operator and repetitive factory tasks can easily be replaced by modern day computers. In fact, it has been seen that computers has already started doing job as a data entry operator. In addition, simple scheduled factory works are also in risks to be replaced by computers. We observe that in various factory automation has been introduced which has already replaced routine workers. A recent study has predicted that within the next ten years, almost all the factories will introduce automation. The main problem which will be caused by the situation is that many people will lose their jobs and crime rate will increase as a result as well. As computers can do works faster than human beings, they are the most preferable choice to do repetitive kinds of works. As a result, many people will lose their jobs, because it is impossible to compete with computer if the competition is about accuracy and speed. Moreover, the number of jobless people will increase that will result an increase crime rate. Because, after losing jobs they will be frustrated and they can do anything to get revenge or take their job back. A recent survey has proved that there is a sixty percent chance of doing some crime if someone loses his job. In addition, people will become disappointed in their life and in some extreme cases may commit suicide. To sum up, there is no way to fight the invasion of technology and replacement of human beings in various fields is just the beginning. As a result, people will lose their jobs, become frustrated, may commit crime and we will enter an era of technology which is unknown and unpredictable.
Modern age is the age of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
technology and
we are becoming more and more dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
as time passes. We observe that an
You used an adverb ('increasingly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('number') instead of another adjective.
increasingly number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are losing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
been replaced
by computers. This essay will discuss which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are replaced
by computers and possible issues which may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
because of this
scenario.

In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are at higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
than other which can
be replaced
by computers.
For example
, simple data entry operator and repetitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factory
tasks can
easily
be replaced
by modern day computers. In fact, it has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that computers has already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as a data entry operator.
In addition
, simple scheduled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factory
works are
also
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
to
be replaced
by computers. We observe that in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factory
automation has
been introduced
which has already replaced routine workers. A recent study has predicted that within the
next
ten years, almost all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
will introduce automation.

The main problem which will
be caused
by the situation is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lose
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate will increase as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
as well
. As computers can do works faster than human beings, they are the most preferable choice to do repetitive kinds of works. As a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lose
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is impossible to compete with computer if the competition is about accuracy and speed.
Moreover
, the number of jobless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will increase that will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
an increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, after losing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
they will be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
frustrated and
they can do anything to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
revenge or take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
back. A recent survey has proved that there is a sixty percent chance of doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
if someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loses
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will become disappointed in their life and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extreme cases may commit suicide.

To sum up, there is no way to fight the invasion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and replacement of human beings in various fields is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the beginning. As a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lose
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, become frustrated, may commit
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
crime and
we will enter an era of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
which is unknown and unpredictable.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay The line graph shows the average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services between 2001 and 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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