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The line graph below shows how much money was spent on cars in four different countries in Asia. v.1

The line graph below shows how much money was spent on cars in four different countries in Asia. v. 1
Due to the limited availability of cost-effective and efficient child day care, many parents decide to drop out from their jobs and decide to stay home and take care of their families. Some people think that the government should pay these parents for their decision. I strongly disagree since with the current evolved technologies, it is possible for the parent to work from home and earn their pay, whilst the government could spend that cash for the benefit of the nation. Firstly, this is the modern era where computer technologies like, the internet, have evolved and made it convenient for people to achieve anything with just a click. There are many websites and softwares that allow a parent to be able to connect with their companies and carry out their tasks from their house at their own pace. Furthermore, there are so many avenues for earning like, online content writers, translation jobs or even online teaching for parents who do not have a stable job. For example, my friend, who is a working mother of three children, is earning a salary of $10000 per month by working as an online tutor for Physics. Therefore, the government does not necessarily have to pay these parents. Secondly, the government would be able to spend these funds on much more important facilities that would be beneficial for the society such as, health facilities, economy, and safety. Also, the authority could contribute for more child care facilities to be built and pay for child care subsidies, making it more affordable for parents with a low income. For instance, the availability of proper and cost-effective childcare facilities, there was a drastic decrease in the number of parents who dropped out of work to tend to their families. In conclusion, even without the payment from the government, stay at home parents would still be able to earn their livelihood by working through the internet and thus, this enables the government to spend its capital for the betterment of the nation.
Due to the limited availability of cost-effective and efficient child day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
decide to drop out from their jobs and decide to stay home and take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their families.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for their decision. I
strongly
disagree since with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
evolved technologies, it is possible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
to work from home and earn their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
, whilst the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could spend that cash for the benefit of the nation.

Firstly
, this is the modern era where computer technologies like, the internet, have evolved and made it convenient for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to achieve anything with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a click. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
websites and
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
to be able to connect with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and carry out their tasks from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pace.
Furthermore
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
avenues for earning like, online content writers, translation jobs or even online teaching for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who do not have a stable job.
For example
, my friend, who is a working mother of three children, is earning a salary of $10000 per month by working as an online tutor for Physics.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
does not
necessarily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
these parents.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
would be able to spend these funds on much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
facilities that would be beneficial for the society such as, health facilities, economy, and safety.

Also
, the authority could contribute for more child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
facilities to
be built
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
for child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
subsidies, making it more affordable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
with a low income.
For instance
, the availability of proper and cost-effective childcare facilities, there was a drastic decrease in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who dropped out of work to tend to their families.

In conclusion
, even without the payment from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, stay at home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
would
still
be able to earn their livelihood by working through the internet and
thus
, this enables the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to spend its capital for the betterment of the nation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The line graph below shows how much money was spent on cars in four different countries in Asia. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
334 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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