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The line graph below shows the percentage of tourists to Scotland who visited four different attractions in Edinburgh v.1

The line graph below shows the percentage of tourists to Scotland who visited four different attractions in Edinburgh v. 1
Wildlife conservation should be given top most priority by any government while planning for expenditure budget. There are numerous species like Cheetah and Bengal Tiger, which are on the verge of extinction due to the loss of their natural surroundings and once these species are extinct, No possible human or divine intervention can bring them back to life. It is disagreed that the efforts made in order to conserve the threatened living beings is a wastage of resources. Both the non-monetary and the monetary benefits arriving from restoration of natural parks and wild sanctuaries will provide the justification in this essay. Firstly, natural surroundings like forests and deep jungles are an abode of these endangered animals which also provide an excellent atmosphere in the vicinity. For example, in the deep interiors of the Borivali National Park, where the lions reside, the air quality index is one of the best in the city, which also aids in the reduction of harmful gases in the nearby surroundings and providing shelter to the needy beasts. So wildlife conservation helps in improving the general quality of life for all in the vicinity. This is one of the major reasons to promote wildlife conservation movement. Secondly, improving and developing the wildlife sanctuaries and natural parks will boost tourism and hence will develop the local economy, which is in-fact gain of the resources. For instance, in the Madhavgarh National Park, due to restoration of natural parks, there was an increase of population of the local wild Bison, due this, there was a rise in forest tourism thus benefiting the people in the surrounding area. Thus, it can be concluded that the efforts to save the threatened beasts is more beneficial in terms of monetary gain to the surrounding area. To summarise the above mentioned points, Efforts inculcated in saving the lives and habitats of wild organism's will bring about tremendous gains in the quality of life of the other living beings by generating fresh supply of oxygen and will also boost the revenues of local administration by generating incomes from the tourism activities. Hence it is recommended that efforts and resources invested in saving the rare breed of creatures from extinction are truly justified and must be encouraged by all.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Wildlife
conservation should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
top most priority by any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
while planning for expenditure budget. There are numerous species like Cheetah and Bengal Tiger, which are on the verge of extinction due to the loss of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
surroundings
and once these species are extinct, No possible human or divine intervention can bring them back to life. It
is disagreed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
made in order to conserve the threatened living beings is a wastage of resources. Both the non-monetary and the monetary benefits arriving from restoration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
and wild sanctuaries will provide the justification in this essay.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
surroundings
like forests and deep jungles are an abode of these endangered animals which
also
provide an excellent atmosphere in the vicinity.
For example
, in the deep interiors of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Borivali
National
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Park
, where the lions reside, the air quality index is one of the best in the city, which
also
aids in the reduction of harmful gases in the nearby
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
surroundings
and providing shelter to the needy beasts.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wildlife
conservation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in improving the general quality of life for all in the vicinity. This is one of the major reasons to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wildlife
conservation movement.

Secondly
, improving and developing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wildlife
sanctuaries and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
will boost tourism and
hence
will develop the local economy, which is in-fact gain of the resources.
For instance
, in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Madhavgarh
National
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Park
, due to restoration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
, there was an increase of population of the local wild Bison, due this, there was a rise in forest tourism
thus
benefiting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
surrounding
area.
Thus
, it can
be concluded
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
to save the threatened beasts is more beneficial in terms of monetary gain to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
surrounding
area.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
the above mentioned points,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Efforts
inculcated in saving the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and habitats of wild organism's will bring about tremendous gains in the quality of life of the other living beings by generating fresh supply of oxygen and will
also
boost the revenues of local administration by generating incomes from the tourism activities.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it
is recommended
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
efforts
and resources invested in saving the rare breed of creatures from extinction are
truly
justified and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be encouraged
by all.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The line graph below shows the percentage of tourists to Scotland who visited four different attractions in Edinburgh v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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