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the line graph below shows change in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000 v.1

the line graph below shows change in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000 v. 1
In recent decades, the question of whether or not children should be forced to learn a foreign language has become a topic of discussion. Although some argue that a foreign language should not be one of the compulsory subjects in schools, I still agree with those who believe that children should be forced to learn it. There are a number of benefits for children to learn a foreign language. It is clear that nowadays employers tend to place more emphasis on workers who have the ability to speak foreign languages. By studying a language like English in school, children would have more job opportunities in the future. In addition, in order to access information in another language, learning its language is imperative. For instance, a student from undeveloped countries like Viet Nam can study online courses in the US only if he knows English, therefore broadening his horizons. There are also a variety of advantages of forcing children to study a foreign language for society. First, more and more people have been living overseas, thanks to globalization. By having conversations with immigrants, local people can help those people more easily, which could inevitably be impossible if the locals did not learn the foreign languages in school. Second, in order to trade with other countries, governments need to hire individuals who can communicate with foreigners. Therefore, by making languages of developed countries, such as China and America, become main subjects in schools, there will be more people can speak more than one language, enormously contributing to the nation's economy. In conclusion, compelling schoolchildren to learn a foreign language benefits not only these students but also society at large. Schools should encourage their students to spend more time learning a new language.
In recent decades,
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be forced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
has become a topic of discussion. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
should not be one of the compulsory subjects in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, I
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be forced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
it.

There are a number of benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that nowadays employers tend to place more emphasis on workers who have the ability to speak
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
. By studying a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
like English in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would have more job opportunities in the future.
In addition
, in order to access information in another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, learning its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is imperative.
For instance
, a student from undeveloped countries like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam can study online courses in the US
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if he knows English,
therefore
broadening his horizons.

There are
also
a variety of advantages of forcing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to study a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
for society.
First
, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been living overseas, thanks to globalization. By having conversations with immigrants, local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more
easily
, which could
inevitably
be impossible if the locals did not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Second, in order to trade with other countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
need to hire individuals who can communicate with foreigners.
Therefore
, by making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, such as China and America, become main subjects in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, there will be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can speak more than one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
enormously
contributing to the nation's economy.

In conclusion
, compelling schoolchildren to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
benefits not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
these students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
society at large.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
should encourage their students to spend more time learning a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay the line graph below shows change in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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