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The length of the working week does not reflect modern lifestyle needs. It should be substantially reduced to give people more leisure time and time with their families. How far do you agree with this statement? v.1

The length of the working week does not reflect modern lifestyle needs. It should be substantially reduced to give people more leisure time and time with their families. How far v. 1
According to some people's mind a good diet and sport are not essential to our health and having a long life. Personally, I do not agree with that statement and now I am going to explain this. To begin with, many doctors advice to their patients to keep the diet and have a sport activity at least twice a week or 3 hours a week, in case that It helps our organism to be more healthy without any cure from outside. First of all, a good diet is vital to have a normal weight and of course it has good impacts to our organism, actually in the digestive system by helping them to recover quickly. Secondly, doing some exercises really improves our immunity, because when we train the huge amount of lymphocytes are produced, from which our protection system is consist of. Also there are plenty of examples when people get cured without of tablets or something like that, because of their high immune. To put in other words, we can live longer if we are healthy, so they are connected with each other. And in our today's polluted circumstances which are in any way are tend to harm the organism, it is a tough thing to have a good wellness. So without of any doubt, I tell that to remain our health in its best level we can only by doing more sport activities. Finally, to be healthy and live long life we should control what we eat and train our body.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's mind a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
diet and sport are not essential to our health and having a long life.
Personally
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that statement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I am going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
this.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
doctors advice to their patients to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the diet and have a sport activity at least twice a week or 3 hours a week, in case that

It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
our organism to be more healthy without any
The usual collocation for "cure" is "of" not "". Did you mean "cure of"?
cure from
outside.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
diet is vital to have a normal weight and
of course
it has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
impacts to our organism, actually in the digestive system by helping them to recover
quickly
.
Secondly
, doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercises
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
our immunity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when we train the huge amount of lymphocytes
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
produced, from which our protection system is consist of.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of examples when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
cured without of tablets or something like that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their high immune.

To put
in other words
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer if we are healthy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
are connected
with each other. And in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's polluted circumstances which are in any way are
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to harm the organism, it is a tough thing to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
wellness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
without of any doubt, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
that to remain our health in its best level we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by doing more sport activities.

Finally
, to be healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
long life we should control what we eat and train our body.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The length of the working week does not reflect modern lifestyle needs. It should be substantially reduced to give people more leisure time and time with their families. How far v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
253 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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