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The length of the working week does not reflect modern lifestyle needs. It should be substantially reduced to give people more leisure time and time with their families. How far do you agree with this statement? v.2

The length of the working week does not reflect modern lifestyle needs. It should be substantially reduced to give people more leisure time and time with their families. How far v. 2
Nowadays, the vast majority of people tend to have terrible work-life balance as a modern lifestyle demands more working hours despite abundant labour-saving devices. I firmly agree that working hours should be dramatically dwindled and dedicated to cherish the time with family and relish spare times. This essay will elaborate and justify this point of view. The first reason of multifarious sake why time in workplace should be diminished is that offsprings’ upbringing is a crucial responsibility on the shoulders of parent. Many of parents have no idea their children how to spend their time. They have no enough time for supervision on their children’s acts and performance. In addition, lack of spending enough time for nurturing of kids causes their talents and abilities do not foster in long-run. For example, a parent cannot focus on weakness and strong point of their own children while they have a hectic schedule of working hours. Hence, the nurturing of children requires enough time to recognize their abilities and organize them. The second reason in order to blame too much working hours is lack of closeness between family members which can have detrimental effects on family foundation and their mental health. If a person is more than necessary sank in his/her own work never can attain to allocated proper place in the house. For instance, a father in most of the case known as head of the family and has a heavy responsibility to be positive role models, when he is involved with over workload practically lifted out his/her own role. Family members due to this lack of closeness are influenced by peer pressure and television and internet while they try to fill this emotional vacuum. Therefore, the friendly and healthy family atmosphere and is consequently cherishing spending time with family. The third reason in the necessity of reduction working hours is the increased inner calm. Dedicating spare hours to leisure time leads to creating the productive and creative mind. Ability in the organization of mental affairs leads to the accept more responsibility in societies. In addition, individuals continue their duties with less stress as an employee/citizen/parent. Hence, in order to possess a healthy and happy society, have to exist a life-work balance. to sum up, my view is that decreasing the working times in order to spend more time with family and leisure time have a great impact on the development of a healthy society. This trend provides many advantages in favour of citizens such as the opportunity for offsprings' upbringing, friendly atmosphere in the home environment and subjective health of citizens.
Nowadays, the vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to have terrible work-life balance as a modern lifestyle demands more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
despite abundant
Possible spelling mistake found.
labour-saving
devices. I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
should be
dramatically
dwindled and dedicated to cherish the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and relish spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
. This essay will elaborate and justify this point of view.

The
first
reason of multifarious sake why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in workplace should
be diminished
is that
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
’ upbringing is a crucial responsibility on the shoulders of parent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of parents have no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. They have no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for supervision on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
acts and performance.
In addition
, lack of spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for nurturing of kids causes their talents and abilities do not foster in long-run.
For example
, a parent cannot focus on weakness and strong point of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while they have a hectic schedule of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
.
Hence
, the nurturing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to recognize their abilities and organize them.

The second reason in order to blame too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is lack of closeness between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members which can have detrimental effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
foundation and their mental health.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
a person is more than necessary sank in his/her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
work never can attain to allocated proper place in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
For instance
, a father in most of the case known as head of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and has a heavy responsibility to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
role models, when he
is involved
with over workload
practically
lifted out his/her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
role.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
members due to this lack of closeness
are influenced
by peer pressure and television and internet while they try to fill this emotional vacuum.
Therefore
, the friendly and healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
atmosphere and is
consequently
cherishing spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with family.

The third reason in the necessity of reduction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is the increased inner calm. Dedicating spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
leads to creating the productive and creative mind. Ability in the organization of mental affairs leads to
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'accept' is correct. If 'accept' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the accept
more responsibility in societies.
In addition
, individuals continue their duties with less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
as an employee/citizen/parent.
Hence
, in order to possess a healthy and happy society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
exist a life-work balance.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
to
sum up, my view is that decreasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
in order to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
have a great impact on the development of a healthy society. This trend provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of citizens such as the opportunity for
Possible spelling mistake found.
offsprings&
#039; upbringing, friendly atmosphere in the home environment and subjective health of citizens.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The length of the working week does not reflect modern lifestyle needs. It should be substantially reduced to give people more leisure time and time with their families. How far v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
430 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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