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The increase in people's life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development? v.1

The increase in people's life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development? v. 1
Human in general are experiencing a longer life expectancy, which lead to an overwhelming number of people continue to work after the legal retirement age. Whereas, others opt for entering the workforce at an earlier age, and from my perspective, this is a negative development. First, choosing a career path - and the appropriate university courses for that profession - is a decision of paramount importance. Contrary to popular belief, landing on a job while studying - be it a part-time job or an apprenticeship, could easily distract youngsters from fulfilling their duties at school. In essence, in the current climate of obsession with early success, one is put under intense pressure to become successful artists, entrepreneurs and startup CEOs before the age 25, enjoying retirement with a generous income. That being said, that chilling reality could be a pipe dream for most. In fact, many well-paid jobs, such as doctors or lawyers, require a multi-year commitment to a long training course which can take up to 6 years or more, and thus, are not suitable for those who start working too early, yet lack formal education. On the other hand, there is mounting evidence that many elderly people are physically and mentally fit to stay in work until their 70s. I believe that people who remain in paid employment past retirement age or involved in community or voluntary work improve their chances of staying healthier for longer. Continuing to have a routine and going into a place of work each day can prevent the sense of loneliness that could come with retirement. Furthermore, by engaging in active employment, two problems are solved: the pension and the retirement savings crisis. Financial independence is the ultimate goal that everyone would pursue in order to live comfortably in older age. In short, the youth-obsessed culture has caused young people to take career decisions earlier than previous generations. However, working past retirement age could result in lengthening life spans, improved health and financial secure retirement.
Human
in general
are experiencing a longer life expectancy, which lead to an overwhelming number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
continue to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. Whereas, others opt for entering the workforce at an earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, and from my perspective, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.

First
, choosing a career path
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
and the appropriate university courses for that profession
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
is a decision of paramount importance. Contrary to popular belief, landing on a job while studying
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
be it a part-time job or an apprenticeship, could
easily
distract youngsters from fulfilling their duties at school. In essence, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
climate of obsession with early success, one
is put
under intense pressure to become successful artists, entrepreneurs and startup CEOs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
25, enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
with a generous income. That
being said
, that chilling reality could be a pipe dream for most. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
well-paid jobs, such as doctors or lawyers, require a multi-year commitment to a long training course which can take up to 6 years or more, and
thus
, are not suitable for those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working too early,
yet
lack formal education.

On the other hand
, there is mounting evidence that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
physically
and mentally fit to stay in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
until their 70s. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who remain in paid employment past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
or involved in community or voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their chances of staying healthier for longer. Continuing to have a routine and going into a place of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
each day can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the sense of loneliness that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
.
Furthermore
, by engaging in active employment, two problems
are solved
: the pension and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "savings'" or "saving's"?
savings
crisis. Financial independence is the ultimate goal that everyone would pursue in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
comfortably
in older age.

In short, the youth-obsessed culture has caused young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take career decisions earlier than previous generations.
However
, working past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
could result in lengthening life spans,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
health and financial secure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The increase in people's life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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