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The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing. Do you agree or disagree? v.28

The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing. v. 28
Although there is no doubt that “E-Commerce” technology is changing the business world significantly. It is generally believed that traditional commercial businesses are struggling to compete with modern market trends and soon will vanish from our surroundings. From my perspective, this idea is completely righteous owing to the benefits in terms of freedom of choice, paradigm offered by Internet shopping than the conventional shopping. Firstly, I would argue that the Internet is the most powerful facilitator in shopping. At the moment, numerous E-Business websites such as Amazon, eBay or Alibaba offer much faster, reliable and more diverse for users to keep in touch with the latest fashion trends. These websites provide a wide range of products from household items to baby care merchandise and also facilitate buyers to interact with sellers through instant messaging and voice chat services. Free expert advice and reviews are available to all customers before purchasing any commodity. Therefore, people can enjoy both the convenience and the swiftness that those services provide. Secondly, I believe that Internet shopping has empowered people to access online market swiftly than ever before. As a matter of fact, it allows people to buy at their own convenience and get the delivery of the order at their doorstep. Latest model products are instantly available at competitive rates with pre-launch order facility. This easy accessibility equips people with sufficient access to the market, while sitting at home via their smartphones. In other words, they are more accessible to the products available globally. In conclusion, as the two analysed reasons above, I strongly agree with the idea that internet shopping will be the benchmark of shopping in the upcoming ages. As a result, other approaches will evaporate from society.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
there is no doubt that “E-Commerce” technology is changing the business world
significantly
. It is
generally
believed that traditional commercial businesses are struggling to compete with modern market trends and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
will vanish from our surroundings. From my perspective, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is completely righteous owing to the benefits in terms of freedom of choice, paradigm offered by Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
than the conventional shopping.

Firstly
, I would argue that the Internet is the most powerful facilitator in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. At the moment, numerous E-Business websites such as Amazon, eBay or Alibaba offer much faster, reliable and more diverse for users to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with the latest fashion trends. These websites provide a wide range of products from household items to baby care merchandise and
also
facilitate buyers to interact with sellers through instant messaging and voice chat services. Free expert advice and reviews are available to all customers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
purchasing any commodity.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy both the convenience and the swiftness that those services provide.

Secondly
, I believe that Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has empowered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to access online market
Use "(swiftly)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
swiftly
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. As a matter of fact, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
convenience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the delivery of the order at their doorstep.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
model products are
instantly
available at competitive rates with
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-launch
order facility. This easy accessibility equips
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with sufficient access to the market, while sitting at home via their smartphones.
In other words
, they are more accessible to the products available globally.

In conclusion
, as the two
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
reasons above, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
will be the benchmark of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in the upcoming ages.
As a result
, other approaches will evaporate from society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing. v. 28

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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