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The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. Do you agree or disagree? v.4

The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. v. 4
Nowadays, e-commerce sites are rising day by day, which results in shut down of many stores in the big cities. This approach is causing the problem to many shopkeepers. I partially agreed with this statement. This essay shall discuss the both views with some examples in subsequent paragraphs. To commence with, the first and foremost reason for the high demands of the online shopping is time-saving. In addition, due to time congestion, youngsters generally prefer buying items online. Not only it saves time, but also it is more convenient. For example, working peoples did not get enough time for going to the shop. Moreover, an individual likes to order the product from their home. This process is time-consuming as well as money effective. Furthermore, it is generally observed that most of the websites offer many discounts or money back schemes which attract customers to participate. On the other hand, most of the shops in the mall does not offer an attractive discount and imposed extra charges. This approach makes the cut off towards them. For example, doing shopping from any outlet, requires the whole day and cost you more as compared to the online stores. This issue may resolve by reducing hidden charges and by providing a good discount to a person. This problem would be solved by offering the same price as online sites. This process may help the small shops to attract more people and also for growing their business. In conclusion, online shopping is causing the shutdown of many shops in the cities. This is a major problem for small business persons. This issue may be solved by using some techniques such as offering discounts,  cashback schemes and so on.
Nowadays, e-commerce sites are rising day by day, which results in shut down of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
stores in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities. This approach is causing the problem to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
shopkeepers. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with this statement. This essay shall discuss the both views with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples in subsequent paragraphs.

To commence with, the
first
and foremost reason for the high demands of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping is time-saving.
In addition
, due to time congestion, youngsters
generally
prefer buying items
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
it saves time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it is more convenient.
For example
, working peoples did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for going to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
.
Moreover
, an individual likes to order the product from their home. This process is time-consuming
as well
as money effective.
Furthermore
, it is
generally
observed that most of the websites offer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discounts
or money back schemes which attract customers to participate.

On the other hand
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
in the mall does not offer an attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discount
and imposed extra charges. This approach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
off towards them.
For example
,
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "going shopping".
doing shopping
from any outlet, requires the whole day and cost you more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
stores. This issue may resolve by reducing hidden charges and by providing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discount
to a person. This problem would
be solved
by offering the same price as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
sites.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
This
process may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
to attract more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
also
for growing their business.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping is causing the shutdown of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
in the cities. This is a major problem for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
business persons. This issue may
be solved
by using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
techniques such as offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discounts
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
cashback schemes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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