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The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree/disagree? v.2

The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 2
Nowadays a large number of people are getting obese. This is because of the modern lifestyle that we are following these days. Obesity leads to end number of diseases that is why it is very important to consult the health care specialist as early as possible, if you feel you have gained weight. I completely agree with the above statement by making physical education as a part of the school curriculum. Firstly, being fit should be the end goal of every individual be it a child or an Adult. It is very important to educate children about fitness from their tender age. For example: this can be done by introducing games period in the school activity. By this way children can be involved in different games where their full body and muscle movement will be involved, like Judo, Cricket, etc. Secondly, fitness cannot be achieved solely by implementing it as a lecture in schools. It's also very necessary to have an understanding about balanced meal. Awareness should be given in schools about healthy eating along with physical education lessons. For example: our body is 8O% of what we eat and only 20% of exercise. Therefore, making children aware about Junk is equally important. If they are eating outside food daily by this they will not only ruin their stomach, but it will also affect their metabolism. In conclusion, learning begins at home, the role of a parent is equally important. Children should be able to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy food at their young age. Once, they understand the difference, they will ultimately learn the value of being fit.
Nowadays
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting obese. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the modern lifestyle that we are following these days. Obesity leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
number of diseases
that is
why it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to consult the health care specialist as early as possible, if you feel you have gained weight. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the above statement by making physical education as a part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum.

Firstly
,
being fit
should be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
goal of every individual be it a child or an Adult. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about fitness from their tender age.
For example
: this can
be done
by introducing games period in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
activity. By this way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be involved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
games where their full body and muscle movement will
be involved
, like Judo, Cricket, etc.

Secondly
, fitness cannot
be achieved
solely
by implementing it as a lecture in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. It's
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
necessary to have an understanding about balanced meal. Awareness should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
about healthy eating along with physical education lessons.
For example
: our body is 8O% of what we eat and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
20% of exercise.
Therefore
, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aware about Junk is
equally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
. If they are eating outside food daily by this they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
ruin their stomach,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will
also
affect their metabolism.

In conclusion
, learning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
at home, the role of a parent is
equally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should be able to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy food at their young age. Once, they understand the difference, they will
ultimately
learn the value of
being fit
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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