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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 1
It cannot be disputed that, in the recent decade, people are suffering from a great deal of weight related health issues, thus exerting a burden on the healthcare system. In order to curb this problem, certain demographics of the society believe that schools should introduce more fitness lessons in their curriculum. This essay will completely agree with the aforementioned suggestion and provide substantial evidence to support the statement. To begin with, most diseases faced by the population today are linked to lifestyle factors, putting a strain on the healthcare system. A large part of the youth is suffering from obesity, hence developing various health problems prematurely. In order to tackle this issue a long-term approach is necessary. It is believed by many that educational facilities can be the key players in handling this issue. Firstly, schools should incorporate more physical education lessons theoretically in their regular curriculum. This will provide children with adequate knowledge regarding the relevance of physical activity and the health hazards associated with sedentary lifestyles. At the moment, the number of hours spent by an average child performing sport in school is possibly twice a week which is insufficient to counteract the number of hours spent in sedentary activities. Hence, schools should increase the number of sports and exercises in their schedule. Furthermore, children should be trained in competitive sports, and tournaments should be held annually to encourage them to participate in such activities. Another point to consider is having more sports lessons in school will result in children developing an interest towards exercise which will filter through to other members of the family, leading to a longer lasting effect. Parents and siblings of active children will be motivated to take up active pursuits themselves. This is essentially an effective way to promote public health. To conclude, I believe that, introducing more physical education lessons in school curriculum is justifiably a great way towards shaping a healthy society.
It cannot
be disputed
that, in the recent decade,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from a great deal of weight related health issues,
thus
exerting a burden on the healthcare system. In order to curb this problem, certain demographics of the society believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should introduce more fitness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
in their curriculum. This essay will completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the aforementioned suggestion and provide substantial evidence to support the statement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, most diseases faced by the population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are linked
to lifestyle factors, putting a strain on the healthcare system. A large part of the youth is suffering from obesity,
hence
developing various health problems
prematurely
. In order to tackle this issue a long-term approach is necessary. It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that educational facilities can be the key players in handling this issue.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should incorporate more physical education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
theoretically
in their regular curriculum. This will provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with adequate knowledge regarding the relevance of physical activity and the health hazards associated with sedentary lifestyles. At the moment, the number of hours spent by an average child performing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is
possibly
twice a week which is insufficient to counteract the number of hours spent in sedentary activities.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should increase the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and exercises in their schedule.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be trained
in competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, and tournaments should
be held
annually
to encourage them to participate in such activities.

Another point to consider is having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
developing an interest towards exercise which will filter through to other members of the family, leading to a longer lasting effect. Parents and siblings of active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be motivated
to take up active pursuits themselves. This is
essentially
an effective way to promote public health.

To conclude
, I believe that, introducing more physical education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum is
justifiably
a great way towards shaping a healthy society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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