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The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree/disagree? v.1

The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 1
It goes without saying that obesity has become a persistent concern among the masses of contemporary epoch, which causes the stress on the doctors to combat with the health problems associated with it. However, it is asserted that physical education must be included in the syllabus of students to solve these issues. I totally advocate this notion which will be explicated in the paragraphs to come. To inaugurate with the reasons which surround my viewpoint. The declining rate of obesity is the prominent one, as the learning about the physical exercises helps to be familiar with different activities, which are fruitful to remain fit as a fiddle and a person can maintain his weight. Resultantly, there will be negligible chances of the overweight population in a nation. Not only this, physical education also comprises of many lessons to solve other problems. To illustrate, the athletes are less likely to reel under the obesity as they participate in games, which is immensely beneficial to stay healthy. Additionally, it is said that precaution is better than cure. In other words, if the learners start to learn about the lessons of healthy activities at their early age, it would be easy to adapt their body and muscles accordingly. The children, then, can teach to their wards about the merits of pursuing exercise. Thus, it is a simple way to have a healthy citizens of a nation. For an example, in many schools, young ones along with their parents participate in competitions, organised by schools. In compendium, I want to reiterate that having the excess weight is the menace for the masses which invites other connected maladies and including the physical learning in the curriculum of students can be the best solution to weed out the issue.
It goes without saying that obesity has become a persistent concern among the masses of contemporary epoch, which causes the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
on the doctors to combat with the health problems associated with it.
However
, it
is asserted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be included
in the syllabus of students to solve these issues. I
totally
advocate this notion which will
be explicated
in the paragraphs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.

To inaugurate with the reasons which surround my viewpoint. The declining rate of obesity is the prominent one, as the learning about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercises
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to be familiar with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities, which are fruitful to remain fit as a fiddle and a person can maintain his weight.
Resultantly
, there will be negligible chances of the overweight population in a nation. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education
also
Did you mean "comprises" or "consists of"?
comprises of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
lessons to solve other problems. To illustrate, the athletes are less likely to reel under the obesity as they participate in games, which is
immensely
beneficial to stay healthy.

Additionally
, it
is said
that precaution is better than cure.
In other words
, if the learners
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to learn about the lessons of healthy activities at their early age, it would be easy to adapt their body and muscles
accordingly
. The children, then, can teach to their wards about the merits of pursuing exercise.
Thus
, it is a simple way to have a healthy
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "citizen"?
citizens
of a nation. For an example, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
schools, young ones along with their parents participate in competitions,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by schools.

In compendium, I want to reiterate that having the excess weight is the menace for the masses which invites other connected maladies and including the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
learning in the curriculum of students can be the best solution to weed out the issue.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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