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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 3
It is an undeniable fact that, a large number of people face the menace of increase in weight and its consequences, around the globe. This puts a tremendous pressure on healthcare care services, to find ways and deal with this issue. Some people believe that this problem can be solved by introducing physical education lessons in the school syllabus. I strongly agree with this point of view and following are the reasons to believe so. Firstly, getting involved in physical activity at a young age brings enormous health benefits. For instance, when children are made to exercise during their school years, they tend to stay active for the rest of their lives. This is because, it is human nature to adapt to newer habits very easily when they are still young. Therefore, if school children learn how to stay healthy and active when they are still in their learning phase, they would always prefer to exercise over a sedentary lifestyle when they grow up. Moreover, they tend to develop the habit of spending their spare time in healthy activities like outdoor games rather than playing video games and using the computer. This change would overall make them healthy and they would stay away from the dangers of weight gain. Secondly, the idea of physical education is not only exercising but teaching about a healthy diet too. For example, it is seen quite often that people, especially the younger generation, are very fond of eating junk food. This, obviously, is an extremely unhealthy trait. However, if children are taught about the hazards of this junk food during their physical training classes, they would choose to stay away from it. This would ultimately have a positive impact on their health and weight and would largely decrease the need of hospital visits due to the problems caused by increasing weight. To conclude, the burden on the healthcare facilities due to overweight and obesity can be decreased to a great extent, if physical education is added to the school schedule. This would not only help the children to stay active throughout their lives but would also keep them distant from non-nutritious foods as well.
It is an undeniable fact that,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
face the menace of increase in weight and its consequences, around the globe. This puts a tremendous pressure on healthcare care services, to find ways and deal with this issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that this problem can
be solved
by introducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education lessons in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
syllabus. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view and following are the reasons to believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

Firstly
, getting involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity at a young age brings enormous health benefits.
For instance
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are made
to exercise during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
years, they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
active for the rest of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, it is human nature to adapt to newer habits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
when they are
still
young.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and active when they are
still
in their learning phase, they would always prefer to exercise over a sedentary lifestyle when they grow up.
Moreover
, they tend to develop the habit of spending their spare time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
activities like outdoor games
rather
than playing video games and using the computer. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
would
overall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
healthy and
they would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
away from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of weight gain.

Secondly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
exercising
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
teaching about a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet too.
For example
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
the younger generation, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fond of eating junk food. This,
obviously
, is an
extremely
unhealthy trait.
However
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are taught
about the hazards of this junk food during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
training classes, they would choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
away from it. This would
ultimately
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on their health and weight and would
largely
decrease the need of hospital visits due to the problems caused by increasing weight.

To conclude
, the burden on the healthcare facilities due to overweight and obesity can
be decreased
to a great extent, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
schedule. This would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
active throughout their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them distant from non-nutritious foods
as well
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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