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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum to what extinct do you agree? v.2

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum to what extinct do you agree? v. 2
Owing to an increase trend of eating junk food, the problems regarding well being are increasing. The escalating rate of obesity related health issues is increasing the burden on the health care system. Many believe that the effective method of dealing with it is by incorporation of physical education lessons in the school curriculum. I completely agree with this statement. Health related problems are increasing at an alarming rate. Such issues are putting a strain on the health care system. This can be solved by putting efforts in introducing these lessons in the curriculum of the institutes. By taking this long term approach, students will be compelled to adopt healthy activities. As an illustration, a recent survey suggests that almost 50% of school going children were motivated to do daily exercise to remain fit. As this fitness will eventually help them win medals in sports week. Therefore, they are compelled to leave sedentary lifestyle and adopt healthy habits. Furthermore, introduction of physical education lessons in syllabus not only motivates children, but parents are also encouraged to choose healthy activities to set an example for children. In addition, these activities become part of children's life. To Illustrate, in my boarding school it was mandated to do exercise daily. Now this activity is a necessary part of my life. This encourages me to keep my weight in a healthy range to stay smart. Hence, healthy activities in school at a younger age motivate people to continue them in later life. To conclude, the increasing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. In an effort to solve such issues, many believe that introduction of physical education lessons into course of study is necessary. I completely agree with such statement.
Owing to an increase trend of eating junk food, the problems regarding
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
. The escalating rate of obesity related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe that the effective method of dealing with it is by incorporation of physical education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

Health related problems are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
at an alarming rate. Such issues are putting a strain on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system. This can
be solved
by putting efforts in introducing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
in the curriculum of the institutes. By taking this long term approach, students will
be compelled
to adopt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. As an illustration, a recent survey suggests that almost 50% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
going children
were motivated
to do daily exercise to remain fit.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
this fitness will
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them win medals in sports week.
Therefore
, they
are compelled
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
sedentary lifestyle and adopt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habits.

Furthermore
, introduction of physical education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
in syllabus not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
motivates children,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
parents are
also
encouraged to choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to set an example for children.
In addition
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
become part of children's life. To Illustrate, in my boarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
it
was mandated
to do exercise daily.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is a necessary part of my life. This encourages me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
my weight in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
range to stay smart.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at a younger age motivate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to continue them in later life.

To conclude
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
number of overweight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is putting a strain on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system. In an effort to solve such issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that introduction of physical education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
into course of study is necessary. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with such statement.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum to what extinct do you agree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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