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the graph shows the percentage of people using the internet for different activities in a UK city between 2003 to 2006. v.1

the graph shows the percentage of people using the internet for different activities in a UK city between 2003 to 2006. v. 1
Thinking about our modern world, there are a lot of countries that receive immigrants whose maternal language is different than that is spoken. However, this fact can result in some difficulties, as the communication between the natives and the new citizens. Firstly, one of the possible social problems can be illustrated by the delicate situation of finding new friends in the new land home. If the foreign cannot express simple things like what can offend him, this certainly will result in an unpleasant situation for all involved people. Although this example can be faced as ordinary, we know that social skills affects directly practical economics. On top of that, if the immigrant have a store and do not know how to put a price on a product, or if he uses an aggressive or a prejudiced word to a consumer, probably he will lose his client. It is clear that everyone wants to receive a kind treatment, especially if you will buy something. I believe, for this reason that language lacking can cause social and practical problems. On the other hand, it is absolutely amazing the cultural exchanging that people who came from other places can bring to their new Home. It should be ideal if the host people welcome their new neighbours with patience and interest to merge all the immigrants' knowledge with the local culture. In spite of this, maybe all the language barrier will be overcome because the differences are positive for everyone. To conclude, it is true that the experience of living in a different spoken country can cause a series of problems. Nevertheless, I am sure that others cultures will present rich experiences to the receiving land. Therefore, language is just on piece of all fascinated world that an immigrant brings with him.
Thinking about our modern world, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
countries that receive immigrants whose maternal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Did you mean 'different "from"? 'Different than' is often considered colloquial style.
than
that
is spoken
.
However
, this fact can result in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties, as the communication between the natives and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
citizens.

Firstly
, one of the possible social problems can
be illustrated
by the delicate situation of finding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
land home. If the foreign cannot express simple things like what can offend him, this
certainly
will result in an unpleasant situation for all involved
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Although this example can
be faced
as ordinary, we know that social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
affects
directly
practical economics.

On top of that
, if the immigrant have a store and do not know how to put a price on a product, or if he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
an aggressive or a prejudiced word to a consumer,
probably
he will lose his client. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that everyone wants to receive a kind treatment,
especially
if you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
something. I believe,
for this reason
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
lacking can cause social and practical problems.

On the other hand
, it is
absolutely
amazing the cultural exchanging that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who came from other places can bring to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
Home. It should be ideal if the host
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
welcome their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
with patience and interest to merge all the immigrants' knowledge with the local culture.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
this, maybe all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
barrier will
be overcome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the differences are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for everyone.

To conclude
, it is true that the experience of living in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
spoken country can cause a series of problems.
Nevertheless
, I am sure that others cultures will present rich experiences to the receiving land.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
on piece of all fascinated world that an immigrant brings with him.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the graph shows the percentage of people using the internet for different activities in a UK city between 2003 to 2006. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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