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The graph shows the contribution of three sectors - agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services- to the UK economy in twentieth century. v.1

The graph shows the contribution of three sectors - agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services- to the UK economy in twentieth century. v. 1
We all have witnessed a substantial increase in the crime rates. It is argued by many that after a punishment is attained by a person for their first crime, there is a tendency that they would increase in performing more crimes. In my essay I will justify the reasons behind this and also the measures that can be taken to tackle this concern. To begin with, one of the main reasons why the criminals increase, committing crimes after their first punishment is due to the lack of an employment opportunities. This is because once a person has served time in the prison for the offence made, this becomes a part of his track record and, therefore it makes it difficult for them to find a job, as many companies refuse to employ individuals who have committed crime. So in order to survive these people indulge in a number of crimes. To illustrate, a criminal who was convicted of murder and had served an imprisonment of 10 years, once he was released from jail, he committed 2 more murders before he was put behind the bar again. One of the ways to reduce the offence made by these individuals is by putting them in rehab centre rather than punishing them and giving them imprisonment. This could help the individual in realising his mistake and probably improving his thought process, also after the person is released from the rehab centre, he would be able to find a job and start a fresh life their offences. To conclude, most of the crimes are committed again and again by some individuals for one of the main reasons being survival. If the individuals are put in a rehab centre, this could change their way of thinking and they can get jobs in the future which could result in committing no crimes.
We all have witnessed a substantial increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates. It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that after a punishment
is attained
by a person for their
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, there is a tendency that they would increase in performing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. In my essay I will justify the reasons behind this and
also
the measures that can
be taken
to tackle this concern.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the main reasons why the criminals increase, committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
after their
first
punishment is due to the lack of an employment opportunities. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
once a person has served time in the prison for the
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
made, this becomes a part of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
record and,
therefore
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it difficult for them to find a job, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
refuse to employ
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
who have committed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in order to survive these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
indulge in a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. To illustrate, a criminal who
was convicted
of murder and had served an imprisonment of 10 years, once he
was released
from jail, he committed 2 more murders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
he
was put
behind the bar again.

One of the ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
made by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
is by putting them in rehab
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
rather
than punishing them and giving them imprisonment. This could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'realising' is British English.
realising
his mistake and
probably
improving his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
process,
also
after the person
is released
from the rehab
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
, he would be able to find a job and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a fresh life their
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
.

To conclude
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are committed
again and again by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
for one of the main reasons being survival. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are put
in a rehab
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
, this could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their way of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
thinking and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
jobs in the future which could result in committing no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph shows the contribution of three sectors - agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services- to the UK economy in twentieth century. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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