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Should countries with teacher shortages develop programs that recruit people from industries such as business, law and technology and retrain them as schoolteachers? Explain your answer. v.1

Should countries with teacher shortages develop programs that recruit people from industries such as business, law and technology and retrain them as schoolteachers? Explain your answer. v. 1
The way children spend their leisure time significantly changed due to the introduction of computer devices. While some people support the idea of young people spending time on watching TV, video and playing games, others disagree with the habit. This essay will discuss both views and explain the reasons why it negatively affects children. In this modern world, everything is technology-orientated, therefore, the use of these computer devices is somewhat unavoidable. Nonetheless, it is important for children to learn how to use them wisely. As there are a variety of educational materials available on TV programs and on the Internet, it is recommended to use these resources to promote children's learning. Even at schools, the usage of tablets and computers are increasingly popular as a mean of education, and many children are enthusiastic about engaging in the learning activities using the computer technology. Thus, if it is used correctly, children can spend meaningful time on these electrical devices. On the other hand, its detrimental effects need to be addressed. It is common for young generation to stay inside and watch TV or play computer games, rather than engaging in physical activities with friends outside. This physical inactivity negatively affects children's health, leading to some health issues such as obesity and early onset of type 2 diabetes. In addition, some information on TV shows and websites is not suitable for younger users in terms of sexuality and violence, name not but a few. For these reasons, children should not be encouraged to spend too much time in front of a screen. In conclusion, although the use of computer devices can be an aid in children's learning activities, I personally think that spending an excessive amount of time in front of a screen should not be encouraged owing to the possible negative influences on children's health, together with the prevalence of age inappropriate contents.
The way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
due to the introduction of computer devices. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on watching TV, video and playing games, others disagree with the habit. This essay will discuss both views and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons why it
negatively
affects children.

In this modern world, everything is technology-orientated,
therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of these computer devices is somewhat unavoidable. Nonetheless, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them
wisely
. As there are a variety of educational materials available on TV programs and on the Internet, it
is recommended
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these resources to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
learning. Even at schools, the usage of tablets and computers are
increasingly
popular as a mean of education, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are enthusiastic about engaging in the learning activities using the computer technology.
Thus
, if it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
correctly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can spend meaningful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on these electrical devices.

On the other hand
, its detrimental effects need to
be addressed
. It is common for young generation to stay inside and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV or play computer games,
rather
than engaging in physical activities with friends outside. This physical inactivity
negatively
affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
health, leading to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health issues such as obesity and early onset of type 2 diabetes.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
information on TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and websites is not suitable for younger users in terms of sexuality and violence, name not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a few. For these reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not
be encouraged
to spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of a screen.

In conclusion
, although the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computer devices can be an aid in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
learning activities, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that spending an excessive amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of a screen should not
be encouraged
owing to the possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
health, together with the prevalence of age inappropriate contents.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Should countries with teacher shortages develop programs that recruit people from industries such as business, law and technology and retrain them as schoolteachers? Explain your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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