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The graph below shows the way people of some country invested their money during the years 2001-2006. v.1

The graph below shows the way people of some country invested their money during the years 2001-2006. v. 1
There have been arguments over the possible impacts that computer and electronic games might on the young. Although there is some truth to the belief that playing games on computers and other electronic devices enhances certain skills, I would side with those who think playing such games is a waste of time. On the one hand, there are several reasons why some people consider video games as a tool to sharpen some important skills. First, many games, such as science or puzzle games, stimulate young players’ brains and sensitivity, which gives those players an opportunity to cultivate their creativity and problem solving skills. Second, people argue that shooting games, like Counter Strike, require tremendous focus and extremely fast reflexes to complete stages in those games. With reflexes and concentration capability improved, players can demonstrate more effectively daily task which specifically require those enhanced skills. On the other hand, I would argue that spending time on video games is a waste regardless of the possibility of skill development they might offer. Young people are supposed to study properly either at school or at home, to which this form of entertainment is a grave detriment. Those types of games are fun; however, they are addictive at the same time. An excessive amount of time would be used for games if players are exposed to them on a frequent basis. This, consequently, results in the reduction of time for study, which should be people’s top priority at their age. Furthermore, skills sharpened by computer and electronic games can also be acquired by a number of other healthy, educational and less time-consuming options, such as reading books or participating in sport clubs. In conclusion, it seems to me that having a few skills enhanced by playing video games cannot justify the fact that it is a waste of time.
There have been arguments over the possible impacts that computer and electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
might on the young. Although there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
truth to the belief that playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computers and other electronic devices enhances certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, I would side with those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
playing such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a waste of time.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as a tool to sharpen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
First
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, such as science or puzzle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, stimulate young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players’
brains and sensitivity, which gives those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
an opportunity to cultivate their creativity and problem solving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that shooting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, like Counter Strike, require tremendous focus and
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
reflexes to complete stages in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. With reflexes and concentration capability
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
can demonstrate more
effectively
daily task which
specifically
require those enhanced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

On the other hand
, I would argue that spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a waste regardless of the possibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
development they might offer. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are supposed
to study
properly
either at school or at home, to which this form of entertainment is a grave detriment. Those types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are fun;
however
, they are addictive at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. An excessive amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
are exposed
to them on a frequent basis. This,
consequently
, results in the reduction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for study, which should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
top priority at their age.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
sharpened by computer and electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
also
be acquired
by a number of other healthy, educational and less time-consuming options, such as reading books or participating in sport clubs.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that having a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
enhanced by playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
cannot justify the fact that it is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the way people of some country invested their money during the years 2001-2006. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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