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The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v.1

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 1
The line graph depicts the percentage of older residents who are part of the USA, SWEDEN and JAPAN countries from 1940 to 2040. Overall, it is clearly vivid from the graph that the United States of America and Sweden trends has gone through fluctuation as compared to the Japan. Japan whose population was less in the past years compared to the other countries, but it will beat them in the future, keeping the Sweden on second rank and United States on third. In 1940, only 9% community of senior citizen in America and every two decades the public of elderly people was increasing till 1980 which reached up to a less than a fifth of the total population, but after 1980 it was going down by one percent till 1990 and from 1990 it is constant till 2020 and after 2020 there will be slightly less than a quarter elder citizens in the USA. Likewise USA, Sweden has similar trend till the year 1980 but from the year 1990, the Sweden older folks were increased till 2010 up to 20 percentages, but after 2020 it is going down, although Sweden will have a quarterly number of citizens whose age is 65 or above. Unlike Sweden and USA, Japan had only five percentage of oldies in 1940, even after 1940 its elderly people went down in 1960 by 1%, but from 1960 to 1990 the elder's community remained stable till 1990, but after the year 1990 the Japans senior age inhabitants are rising every cycle and in 2040, the Japan will have more than 25 proportion of senior citizens compared to the USA and SWEDEN.
The line graph depicts the percentage of older residents who are part of the USA, SWEDEN and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
JAPAN
countries from 1940 to 2040.

Overall
, it is
clearly
vivid from the graph that the United States of America and Sweden trends has gone through fluctuation as compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
whose population was less in the past years compared to the other countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will beat them in the future, keeping the Sweden on second rank and United States on third.

In 1940,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
9% community of senior
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citizen
in America and every two decades the public of elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
was increasing till 1980 which reached up to a less than a fifth of the total population,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after 1980 it was going down by one percent till 1990 and from 1990 it is constant till 2020 and after 2020 there will be
slightly
less than a quarter elder
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citizens
in the USA.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Likewise
USA, Sweden has similar trend till the
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year
1980
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from the
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year
1990, the Sweden older folks
were increased
till 2010 up to 20 percentages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after 2020 it is going down, although Sweden will have a quarterly number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
whose age is 65 or above.

Unlike Sweden and USA,
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Japan
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
five percentage of oldies in 1940, even after 1940 its elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
went down in 1960 by 1%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from 1960 to 1990 the elder's community remained stable till 1990,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1990 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japans
senior age inhabitants are rising every cycle and in 2040, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
will have more than 25 proportion of senior
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citizens
compared to the USA and SWEDEN.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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