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Children are less active in their free time than in the past. Therefore, sports lessons must be compulsory in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.1

Children are less active in their free time than in the past. Therefore, sports lessons must be compulsory in schools. v. 1
Nowadays minors are becoming less active than before at leisure time. Therefore, sports classes have to be obligatory at schools. Even though attaching more importance to sports facilities are fairly expensive for government, sport plays a significant role in people’s life. I will debate both sides of argument in this essay. On the one hand, providing with better sports facilities are luxurious for government. If sports lessons are mandatory for school children, more educator of physical activities who have to be supplied with salary might work at schools which means extra expenditure for authority. Another expenditure of government will be constructing some contemporary sports complexes such as gym, pitch, swimming pools, cycle track, et cetera. Furthermore, alternative solution in order to avoid being less active at spare time minors may travel to short distance, for instance they may visit their relative’s so as to assist housework. However, it will be more helpful to dedicate free time for educational activity, since sports are considered as a waste of valuable study time. In my view, children might prefer to learn poems by heart or to deal with a crossword puzzle rather than playing football or swimming. On the other hand, sport has a pivotal role in people’s life so as to build healthy lifestyle. In fact, children’s health depends on their physical activities which are done at leisure or study time. Having and maintaining healthy way of life are beneficial for both minors and authority. Because, if people are healthier adequately, authority must not spend much money on medical care for population. Moreover, sport is another factor for minors to be well-being. In my opinion, many school children suffer from sitting one place without movement during classes that may affect their mental development as well. Thus physical lessons may be enforced in order to cause children’s mental well-being. Additionally sport gives an opportunity for school children so as to learn how to follow discipline and work with others as a team. Therefore, it will rational to conclude that sports lessons should be strengthened in order to make minors more physical active now albeit some expenditure which may be spent by authority. Because sport is regarded as a significant activity so as to have healthy and satisfied lifestyle.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minors
are becoming less active than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
at leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
classes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be obligatory at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
Even though
attaching more importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities are
fairly
expensive for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
plays a significant role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s life. I will debate both sides of argument in this essay.

On the one hand, providing with better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities are luxurious for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
lessons are mandatory for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, more educator of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be supplied
with salary might work at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
which means extra expenditure for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authority
. Another expenditure of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will be constructing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
contemporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
complexes such as gym, pitch, swimming pools, cycle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
.
Furthermore
, alternative solution in order to avoid being less active at spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minors
may travel to short distance,
for instance
they may visit their relative’s
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
assist housework.
However
, it will be more helpful to dedicate free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are considered
as a waste of valuable study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might prefer to learn poems by heart or to deal with a crossword puzzle
rather
than playing football or swimming.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has a pivotal role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s life
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
build healthy lifestyle. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health depends on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which
are done
at leisure or study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Having and maintaining healthy way of life are beneficial for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authority
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are healthier
adequately
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authority
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not spend much money on medical care for population.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is another factor for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minors
to be well-being. In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffer from sitting one place without movement during classes that may affect their mental development
as well
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
lessons may
be enforced
in order to cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mental well-being.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Additionally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
gives an opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
learn how to follow discipline and work with others as a team.

Therefore
, it
The word 'rational' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
will rational
to conclude
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
lessons should
be strengthened
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minors
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
active
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
albeit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
expenditure which may
be spent
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authority
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is regarded
as a significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
have healthy and satisfied lifestyle.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Children are less active in their free time than in the past. Therefore, sports lessons must be compulsory in schools. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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