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The graph below shows the popularity of different fast foods in Britain and the trends in their consumption. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below. v.1

The graph below shows the popularity of different fast foods in Britain and the trends in their consumption. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below. v. 1
Nowadays, many people are playing the video games, with the extensive use of the Internet. Not only the educated persons, but also the people from the rural background are also addicted to video games. It has its own pros and cons. Firstly, I want to discuss about the advantages. Video games help to improve the brain logic, memory power and concentration levels. It will be a good tool if we used in education and research. Secondly, it will give some relaxation if we stressed in our work that is changing of mind depending on situations. On the other hand, it has its disadvantages too. People are spending a lot of time before the video games consequently, this leads to eye problems. Especially students and children are more addicted to the games without knowing the time and neglecting their studies. Obviously, they did not find time to spend with the family. They are alone before the computers or mobiles thinking that their world is only with that device. They forget the physical exercise and playing with their friends, which causes loneliness. Exercise leads to good health and makes them active. Recently many people are dead because of some video game, assuming that they are the persons in that game and forgets that they are the players. In my conclusion, people are mostly using video games for entertainment purpose rather than an educational tool. Over usage of anything will cause damage. So, it is better to use things for appropriate purposes. People who create video games may think innovative in the ways, how these games will create an impact on the persons those who are using.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are playing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, with the extensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the Internet. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the educated persons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from the rural background are
also
addicted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. It has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pros and cons.

Firstly
, I want to
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
advantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the brain logic, memory power and concentration levels. It will be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
tool if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in education and research.
Secondly
, it will give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
relaxation if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
in our work
that is
changing of mind depending on situations.

On the other hand
, it has its disadvantages too.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
consequently
, this leads to eye problems.
Especially
students and children are more addicted to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
without knowing the time and neglecting their studies.
Obviously
, they did not find time to spend with the family. They are alone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the computers or mobiles thinking that their world is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with that device. They forget the physical exercise and playing with their friends, which causes loneliness. Exercise leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them active. Recently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are dead
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game, assuming that they are the persons in that game and forgets that they are the players.

In my conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
mostly
using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for entertainment purpose
rather
than an educational tool. Over usage of anything will cause damage.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
things for appropriate purposes.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
innovative in the ways, how these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will create an impact on the persons those who are using.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the popularity of different fast foods in Britain and the trends in their consumption. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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