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Some people people believe that playing musical instrument can be beneficial in many different ways. Other think that it is a waste of time to playing musical instrument. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people people believe that playing musical instrument can be beneficial in many different ways. Other think that it is a waste of time to playing musical instrument. v. 1
It is argued that, community services like charity, cleaning neighbourhood, imparting knowledge to the underprivileged should be made compulsory in the High School curriculum. I strongly agree with this, it is not only helps the students in becoming socially responsible adults, but also in shaping their character. Firstly, community service inculcates a sense of responsibility towards society, that is needed for shaping a better society. For instance, the introduction of the Swachh Bharat scheme in India's every school taught a student to keep our surroundings clean and never throw a litter on the roads or streets. Hence, this campaign is necessary to teach them to maintain cleanliness everywhere. Such services are also needed in future to develop a better society. In addition, students will interact with patients in their tender age, this thing allow them to handle the patients in the future. Secondly, voluntary services caters to the overall character development of an individual. It teaches a lesson of sympathy to the students, which is required to build our character. Moreover, unpaid community services help the poor and needy families, which are the part of our society, they get benefits from these services. Furthermore, if unpaid services are mandatory in high school, then it will help the students get the diploma certificates. These certificates will help them in a the future to get a better job in renowned companies. In conclusion, I think community services should be implemented in the high school, as there are various advantages of carrying out community services.
It
is argued
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
like charity, cleaning
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
, imparting knowledge to the underprivileged should
be made
compulsory in the High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
curriculum. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in becoming
socially
responsible adults,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in shaping their character.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
inculcates a sense of responsibility towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, that
is needed
for shaping a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
For instance
, the introduction of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Swachh
Bharat scheme in India's every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
taught a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
our surroundings clean and never throw a litter on the roads or streets.
Hence
, this campaign is necessary to teach them to maintain cleanliness everywhere. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
are
also
needed in future to develop a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will interact with patients in their tender age, this thing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to handle the patients in the future.

Secondly
, voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
caters to the
overall
character development of an individual. It teaches a lesson of sympathy to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, which
is required
to build our character.
Moreover
, unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the poor and needy families, which are the part of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefits from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
.
Furthermore
, if unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
are mandatory in high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, then it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the diploma certificates. These certificates will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them in
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "the" is left.
a the
future to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better job in renowned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
should
be implemented
in the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, as there are various advantages of carrying out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people people believe that playing musical instrument can be beneficial in many different ways. Other think that it is a waste of time to playing musical instrument. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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