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The graph below shows the percentage of immigrants to Australia from countries in 1962 1982 and 2002 v.1

The graph below shows the percentage of immigrants to Australia from countries in 1962 1982 and 2002 v. 1
In the past, news about famous people may have been confined to gossip columns in newspapers; these days it is not uncommon for celebrities to feature as front page news. There is evidence that the public feels there is too much news coverage of famous people. Not surprisingly, there is concern about how this might be affecting people, and in particular children. One of the possible negative consequences of the 'cult of celebrity' is the tendency to confuse fame and notoriety. Celebrity scandals are just as likely to receive publicity as celebrity achievements. Indeed, some famous people have received more attention for their misuse of drugs and alcohol than for their successes on the stage or in sports. Children who crave attention may come to see misbehaviour as normal. The emphasis on individuals in the public eye may also be at the expense of serious news coverage. Next to the superficial excitement of celebrity gossip, news about serious events and issues that have a more profound effect on people's lives may seem uninteresting. Children may be forming a very distorted picture of how the world works. The negative influence of celebrities on children can also be seen in children's career aspirations. These days, young people are much more likely to see themselves as potential sports stars or entertainers. The prevalence of these figures in the mass media may convey the impression that such positions are plentiful. Children may be developing unrealistic expectations that they too will become rich and famous. In summary, the 'cult of celebrity' may be affecting children in a number of undesirable ways. It is important that children be taught to critically evaluate what they see in the media so that they can form a more realistic view of society, acceptable behaviour, and indeed themselves.
In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have
been confined
to gossip columns in newspapers; these days it is not uncommon for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to feature as front page
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
. There is evidence that the public feels there is too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
coverage of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Not
surprisingly
, there is concern about how this might be affecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
in particular
children.

One of the possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences of the 'cult of celebrity' is the tendency to confuse fame and notoriety.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrity
scandals are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as likely to receive publicity as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
achievements.
Indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have received more attention for their misuse of drugs and alcohol than for their successes on the stage or in sports.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who crave attention may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
Possible spelling mistake. 'misbehaviour' is British English.
misbehaviour
as normal.

The emphasis on individuals in the public eye may
also
be at the expense of serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
coverage.
Next
to the superficial excitement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
gossip,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
about serious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and issues that have a more profound effect on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
may seem uninteresting.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
may be forming a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
distorted picture of how the world works.

The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in children's career aspirations. These days, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are much more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
themselves as potential sports stars or entertainers. The prevalence of these figures in the mass media may convey the impression that such positions are plentiful.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
may be developing unrealistic expectations that they too will become rich and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
.

In summary, the 'cult of celebrity' may be affecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a number of undesirable ways. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
be taught
to
critically
evaluate what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in the media
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can form a more realistic view of society, acceptable
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, and
indeed
themselves.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay The graph below shows the percentage of immigrants to Australia from countries in 1962 1982 and 2002 v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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