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The graph below shows the proportion of four different materials that were recycled from 1982 to 2010 in a particular country v.1

The graph below shows the proportion of four different materials that were recycled from 1982 to 2010 in a particular country v. 1
Children appear to enjoy playing video games, and while there are undoubted benefits, various negative effects stem from this too. Let us consider the main issues, and then outline possible remedies. Perhaps the major physical problem is the sedentary lifestyle which these games encourage, meaning that youngsters may incline to obesity or inadequate development. Added to this is the strain on eyesight resulting from excessive use of screens and consoles, meaning that children may suffer symptoms of poor vision. There are also concerns about impairment of reflexes due to the repetitive nature of the hand muscles when playing these games, and about the poor diet of Convenience food which often accompanies this lifestyle. The most alarming psychological impact of such activities is possibly the risk of addiction, meaning that children become obsessed with the games and are unable to socialise with family or peers. This undermines their interpersonal skills and makes them underperform both academically and socially. Turning to possible solutions, perhaps the immediate step would be to promote a more active lifestyle through exercise regimes or sports programmes which would help to detoxify the lifestyles of children affected. This could be done through sponsorship of sports, or participate in competitive events such as races or matches, hopefully ameliorating the physical effects of excessive games use. Potential remedies for the danger of mental addiction may be, firstly, an initiative to raise awareness of the risks of the situation, for example through health warnings on the game's packaging or through high-profile spokespersons spreading such a message. For example, if sports champions or figureheads speak out about these dangers, the message may well get through to children. To sum up, the risks posed by excessive gaming are connected to an unhealthy lifestyle and the possibility of dependency on the activity. Possible answers might involve stronger education about the dangers and the health benefits of more active pursuits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
appear to enjoy playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and while there
are undoubted
benefits, various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects stem from this too.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us consider the main issues, and then outline possible remedies. Perhaps the major physical problem is the sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
which these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
encourage, meaning that youngsters may incline to obesity or inadequate development.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Added
to this is the strain on eyesight resulting from excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of screens and consoles, meaning that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may suffer symptoms of poor vision. There are
also
concerns about impairment of reflexes due to the repetitive nature of the hand muscles when playing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and about the poor diet
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
of


Convenience food which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
accompanies this lifestyle.

The most alarming psychological impact of such activities is
possibly
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of addiction, meaning that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become obsessed with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and are unable to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
with family or peers. This undermines their interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them underperform both
academically
and
socially
.

Turning to possible solutions, perhaps the immediate step would be to promote a more active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
exercise regimes or sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to detoxify the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
. This could
be done
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
sponsorship of sports, or participate in competitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as races or matches,
hopefully
ameliorating the physical effects of excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. Potential remedies for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of mental addiction may be,
firstly
, an initiative to raise awareness of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of the situation,
for example
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
health warnings on the game's packaging or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
high-profile spokespersons spreading such a message.
For example
, if sports champions or figureheads speak out about these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
, the message may well
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
to children.

To sum up, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
posed by excessive gaming
are connected
to an unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
and the possibility of dependency on the activity. Possible answers might involve stronger education about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
and the health benefits of more active pursuits.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the proportion of four different materials that were recycled from 1982 to 2010 in a particular country v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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