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The graph below shows the average growth in domestic products in weathy countries, countries that have adopted a global approach to business and countries that have not. v.1

The graph below shows the average growth in domestic products in weathy countries, countries that have adopted a global approach to business and countries that have not. v. 1
It is often claimed that students learn more information during lessons in educational institutions rather that in resources that are considered as auxiliary ones, as television or the Internet. I completely disagree with this statement and think that the process of self-education with the help of the Internet is more effective that classes at schools and universities. First of all, the Internet provides an unlimited access to different resources of knowledge with an immense amount of points of view, whereas teachers at schools are often able to present only one or two ways to perceive certain events or phenomena. Such an approach, that is provided by the Internet, allows a student to become unbiased in his or her judgements and decisions. As far as an aptitude for being open-minded is precious in the modern world, students, who, along with school education find information on the Internet, are more likely to succeed in their future life. Secondly, online courses tend to adapt fast to the labour market's and students' requirements. There is no tedious bureaucratic processes of accepting of new educational projects in the Internet while all these processes slow down the effectiveness of traditional educational institutions. Moreover, in the Internet, students are able to find a course that is perfectly adjusted to their style of learning. For instance, students can learn new things through playing games or watching videos. In result, web classes provide the recent skills and knowledge that can be obtained by students any time, in any format and on any device. To conclude, I believe that the Internet gives students more opportunities to learn things than schools and universities with their traditional ways of teaching.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
claimed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn more information during lessons in educational institutions
rather
that in resources that
are considered
as auxiliary ones, as television or the Internet. I completely disagree with this statement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the process of self-education with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the Internet is more effective that classes at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and universities.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the Internet provides
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "unlimited access".
an unlimited access
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
resources of knowledge with an immense amount of points of view, whereas teachers at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
able to present
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one or two ways to perceive certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
or phenomena. Such an approach, that
is provided
by the Internet,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to become unbiased in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
judgements and decisions. As far as an aptitude for being open-minded is precious in the modern world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, who, along with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education find information on the Internet, are more likely to succeed in their future life.

Secondly
, online courses tend to adapt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market's and students' requirements. There is no tedious bureaucratic processes of accepting of new educational projects
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the Internet".
in the Internet
while all these processes slow down the effectiveness of traditional educational institutions.
Moreover
,
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the Internet".
in the Internet
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are able to find a course
that is
perfectly
adjusted to their style of learning.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can learn new things through playing games or watching videos. In result, web classes provide the recent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge that can
be obtained
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
any time, in any format and on any device.

To conclude
, I believe that the Internet gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
more opportunities to learn things than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and universities with their traditional ways of teaching.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The graph below shows the average growth in domestic products in weathy countries, countries that have adopted a global approach to business and countries that have not. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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