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The graph below shows the average daily spending of three categories of international visitor to New Zealand from 1997 to 2017. v.1

The graph below shows the average daily spending of three categories of international visitor to New Zealand from 1997 to 2017. v. 1
Some people believe that, it's good to share their personal information while applying for their domain related jobs while, others think that it's not a recommended approach. In my opinion, I completely agree to provide required data to the respective employers. There are various benefits by providing required information to companies. Firstly, if there any emergency situation, where employers would like to contact any of the family members then it will definitely helpful in such cases. Otherwise, there are chances where the company does not have proper information specific to employee personal information such as medical illness. Thus, it will adversely impact on the respective employee families. Secondly, In the organizational level, If the company willing to promote other new initiatives where employees have had great interest in that scenario also it will give benefit for both company and employee as well However, above scenarios not only impact employees but also their respective organizations. I believe, this will be useful for the future development of employees in both personally and professionally. On the other hand, there are inevitable reasons for not to share any personal data to the respective employers. One of the predominant problem is, misusing of employee data for the marketing and other business tactics. For instance, over online, there is a plethora of websites are maintaining personal data and these websites getting data from the job seeker's tools such as monster. com. In addition to that, employees need to suffer in order to support for the company duties endlessly and it will cause serious problems to the job holder's and eventually it will impact on their counterparts of family members. Employees need to be condoned to do such activities or duties 24/7 format, until and unless their proper agreement employer's shouldn't call or message to their employees. To conclude, in order to avoid risks and the process of sharing proper relevant data to their respective employers should not be transparent. However, the Government needs to take preliminary actions over online data breaches websites and other tools.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that, it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to share their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
while applying for their domain related jobs while, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it's not a recommended approach. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to provide required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
respective
employers.

There are various benefits by providing required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
Firstly
, if
Please check whether a verb is missing here or whether 'there' should be 'their'.
there any
emergency situation, where employers would like to contact any of the family members then it
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
will definitely helpful
in such cases.
Otherwise
, there are chances where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
does not have proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
specific to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
such as medical illness.
Thus
, it will
adversely
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
families.
Secondly
, In the organizational level,

If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
willing to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
new initiatives where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
have had great interest in that scenario
also
it will give benefit for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
as well
However
, above scenarios not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
impact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
respective
organizations. I believe, this will be useful for the future development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in both
personally
and
professionally
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are inevitable reasons for not to share any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
respective
employers. One of the predominant problem is, misusing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
for the marketing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
business tactics.
For instance
, over online, there is a plethora of websites are maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
and these websites getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
from the job seeker's tools such as monster.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
com
.
In addition
to that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
need to suffer in order to support for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
duties
endlessly
and it will cause serious problems to the job holder's and
eventually
it will impact on their counterparts of family members.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Employees
need to
be condoned
to do such activities or duties 24/7 format, until and unless their proper agreement employer's shouldn't call or message to their employees.

To conclude
, in order to avoid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and the process of sharing proper relevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
respective
employers should not be transparent.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
needs to take preliminary actions over online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
breaches websites and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
tools.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the average daily spending of three categories of international visitor to New Zealand from 1997 to 2017. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
339 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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