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The bar chat illustrates the numbers of children divided by gender who played six different types of sport in a town in England in 2012. v.1

The bar chat illustrates the numbers of children divided by gender who played six different types of sport in a town in England in 2012. v. 1
Male gender is considered more competitive than female gender by some people. Just based on, the number of males, in most of the working sector is greater than the females, some people rate men higher than women in terms of competition, which I am not in favour of it. Due to the fact, women were given less opportunities, in the early days, they were not allowed to go out for a work like the men did, they just had to stay at home, so that they could do household work only, which in turn society did not even, let the women participate in a competition like playing sports, getting high a position job. But, nowadays, since the perception of the people has changed, women are given liberty, to go out, to do whatever they want, we are seeing more involvement of women in most of the job sectors like: football game, manager position, profession as a doctor. Since changes have just begun, we see less number of females, but these numbers will rise in the future because last five year statistic illustrates that a woman has gotten first rank in the high school exam, which means more participation of the women will be for job seats. In conclusion, I totally disagree that the women are any less than the men, if we talk about the competition. Because all facts show that there were reasons why the involvement of women were less in the early days, however, all this has changed, women are seen everywhere, in every competition. Although the participation of the women is less, yet it does not mean that those women who are working is not competitive enough.
Male gender
is considered
more competitive than female gender by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
based on, the number of males, in most of the working sector is greater than the females,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
rate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, which I am not in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of it.

Due to the fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun opportunities is countable.
less
opportunities, in the early days, they were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to go out for a work like the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
did, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
had to stay at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could do household work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, which in turn society did not even,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
participate in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
like playing sports, getting high a position job.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, nowadays, since the perception of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
liberty, to go out, to do whatever they want, we are seeing more involvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in most of the job sectors like: football game, manager position, profession as a doctor. Since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
begun, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
number of females,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these numbers will rise in the future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
last five year statistic illustrates that a woman has gotten
first
rank in the high school exam, which means more participation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
will be for job seats.

In conclusion
, I
totally
disagree that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, if we talk about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
all facts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that there were reasons why the involvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
in the early days,
however
, all this has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
everywhere, in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
. Although the participation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
,
yet
it does not mean that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who are working is not competitive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chat illustrates the numbers of children divided by gender who played six different types of sport in a town in England in 2012. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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