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The graph below show the weekday volume of passengers activity on the Toronto Metro System for July 2007 v.1

The graph below show the weekday volume of passengers activity on the Toronto Metro System for July 2007 v. 1
Nowadays, community service became one of the most important activities in the world. Some people think that unpaid volunteering should be a compulsory part of high school programmers. On the other hand, others think that high school students shouldn't be forced on community service. In my personal view, I think that including non-profit activity must be applied to all high school students. First of all, such unpaid volunteering may improve the educational system. To illustrate this point, community service will develop a large number of skills in the students. For example, leading a team of volunteers will develop leadership skills to the students. Also, communicating with the team members will increase the communication ability. Leadership and communication skills will be a big help to the students in their academic future. Second of all, students have to serve their counties from early ages. To explain, that will grow the humanity within the youth of this country. For instance, improving the neighbourhood will make the students increase the love of their own countries. In addition, working on a charity will build inside love for people around the high school student. Also, reaching sports for younger children will encourage students to lead under pressure. To sum up, I agree that community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmers because that will make the youth stronger in leadership and communication. On top of this, that will increase the sence of humanity and love for the people around high school students
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
became one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
activities in the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that unpaid volunteering should be a compulsory part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
programmers.
On the other hand
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
shouldn't
be forced
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
. In my personal view, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that including non-profit activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be applied
to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, such unpaid volunteering may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the educational system. To illustrate this point,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
will develop
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
For example
, leading a team of volunteers will develop leadership
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Also
, communicating with the team members will increase the communication ability. Leadership and communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in their academic future.

Second of all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
serve their counties from early ages. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, that will grow the humanity within the youth of this country.
For instance
, improving the
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
countries.
In addition
, working on a charity will build inside
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
Also
, reaching sports for younger children will encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to lead under pressure.

To sum up, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
should be a compulsory part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
programmers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the youth stronger in leadership and communication. On top of this, that will increase the
Possible spelling mistake found.
sence
of humanity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
students
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below show the weekday volume of passengers activity on the Toronto Metro System for July 2007 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
248 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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