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The graph below gives information about changes in the birth and death rates by New Zealand between 1901 and 2101. v.1

The graph below gives information about changes in the birth and death rates by New Zealand between 1901 and 2101. v. 1
It is often thought that environmental issues can be tackled by raising the price of petroleum products for cars as well as vehicles. In my opinion, I utterly disagree with this standpoint because factories and industries are the principal culprits of environmental pollution, and such a policy will be unfair to the masses. To begin with, it is noteworthy that most manufacturing companies are responsible for the discharge of toxic gases to the environment which are not environmentally friendly. In other words, these factories consume an enormous amount of fossil fuels more than automobiles. They give out carbon dioxide as a by-product which causes depletion of the ozone layer and subsequent global warming. Unless the government restrict the activities of industries, environmental problems will remain a formidable challenge. To illustrate, a recent study conducted in Harvard University revealed that factories are responsible for 70% of the air pollution in the western world. Thus, vehicles and automobiles pose a lesser threat to the environment compared to manufacturing industries. In addition, making petrol more expensive will be unfair because such a policy on impoverished citizens. Moreover, since the affluent will be able to afford purchasing petrol, the price notwithstanding, it is not an effective policy. In Nigeria, for instance, when the price of petroleum products escalated as a result of economic recession in 2017, a vast majority of people were still able to maintain their vehicles and buy petrol. Thus, raising the cost of petrol is not the most appropriate remedy to this problem. In conclusion, I wholeheartedly disagree with the idea of increasing the cost of petrol and petroleum products because factories are the major cause of environmental pollution, and such a policy is ineffective and unfair. Hence, it is recommended that the government invest heavily in clean renewable energy which is ecologically friendly.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
issues can
be tackled
by raising the price of petroleum products for cars
as well
as vehicles. In my opinion, I
utterly
disagree with this standpoint
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
and industries are the principal culprits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
pollution, and such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
will be unfair to the masses.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is noteworthy that most manufacturing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are responsible for the discharge of toxic gases to the environment which are not
environmentally
friendly.
In other words
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
consume an enormous amount of fossil fuels more than automobiles. They give out carbon dioxide as a by-product which causes depletion of the ozone layer and subsequent global warming. Unless the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
restrict the activities of industries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
problems will remain a formidable challenge. To illustrate, a recent study conducted in Harvard University revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
are responsible for 70% of the air pollution in the western world.
Thus
, vehicles and automobiles pose a lesser threat to the environment compared to manufacturing industries.

In addition
, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
more expensive will be unfair
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
on impoverished citizens.
Moreover
, since the affluent will be able to afford
If 'afford' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to purchase".
purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
, the price notwithstanding, it is not an effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
. In Nigeria,
for instance
, when the price of petroleum products escalated
as a result
of economic recession in 2017, a vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were
still
able to maintain their vehicles and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
.
Thus
, raising the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
is not the most appropriate remedy to this problem.

In conclusion
, I
wholeheartedly
disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of increasing the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
petrol
and petroleum products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
are the major cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
pollution, and such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
is ineffective and unfair.
Hence
, it
is recommended
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
invest
heavily
in clean renewable energy which is
ecologically
friendly.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below gives information about changes in the birth and death rates by New Zealand between 1901 and 2101. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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