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the grap show information about the languages that 13 year old students in one school chose to study. v.1

the grap show information about the languages that 13 year old students in one school chose to study. v. 1
Nowadays, several people claim that businesses should not only focus on making a profit, but also fulfil their social obligations. I entirely agree with the opinion that businesses should do more for society than simply concentrate on making money. Personally, I believe that there are at least two reasons why businesses have duties to fulfil social needs beside solely striving for more and more money. Firstly, since the increasing number of corporations has led to serious environmental damages, they need to take immediate action to help protect the natural environment. In the process of exploitation and production, businesses may make some mistakes which cause some environmental problems such as water pollution or uncultivable land; Therefore, they have to have plans to deal with them. For example, businesses can try new technologies to recycle their wastes instead of disposing of them right away. Secondly, taking social responsibilities is the way for companies to make their image greater in the eyes of consumers. Anyone always sympathizes with the companies that always take part in charities, so through helping those who are less fortunate such as homeless or disabled citizens they not only contribute to better society but also raise the image of the companies or the brands. For example, Vinamilk has enhanced its brand image through annual programs donating their products and money for poor people. In conclusion, although making a profit is the fundamental aim of all businesses, I believe that fulfilling social obligations is also an indispensable issue for them.
Nowadays, several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on making a profit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
fulfil their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
obligations. I
entirely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
should do more for society than
simply
concentrate on making money.

Personally
, I believe that there are at least two reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
have duties to fulfil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
needs beside
solely
striving for more and more money.
Firstly
, since the increasing number of corporations has led to serious environmental damages, they need to take immediate action to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
protect the natural environment. In the process of exploitation and production,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mistakes which cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
environmental problems such as water pollution or
Possible spelling mistake found.
uncultivable
land;
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
have plans to deal with them.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
can try new technologies to recycle their wastes
instead
of disposing of them right away.

Secondly
, taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
responsibilities is the way for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their image greater in the eyes of consumers. Anyone always sympathizes with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in charities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
through helping those who are less fortunate such as homeless or disabled citizens they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
contribute to better society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
raise the image of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or the brands.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vinamilk
has enhanced its brand image through annual programs donating their products and money for poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, although making a profit is the fundamental aim of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, I believe that fulfilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
obligations is
also
an indispensable issue for them.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the grap show information about the languages that 13 year old students in one school chose to study. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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