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The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public service instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement. v.1

The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public service instead. with this statement. v. 1
Some people believe that spending money to develop arts, music and theatre is unnecessary. I completely disagree with this thought. The reasons to encourage these skills are the positive effects they have on the society and its people. To begin with the sociocultural side, most of the human history has artefacts related to creative skills such as art and music because they are an essential form of expression. By ignoring them, we are erasing all the possibilities of passing on our knowledge of culture and civilisation to future generations. This knowledge is a bridge between older and younger generations which keeps them connected. For example, the primitive cave drawings which are an art form, have created knowledge among Millenials about the early humans. In addition, it is proven that learning these creative skills helps to develop patience and concentration. So, learning them not only helps the person in art, but also his creativity will expand to other parts of his life which will help him succeed in any other profession. A recent study in the The United States shows that the children who learn a musical instrument are more focused when compared to others. However, it is a governmental responsibility to serve the public, but, discouraging the arts, music and theatre cannot be a solution. Instead, in the best interest of its citizens, there should be a balance between investing in services and creative skills. In conclusion, the idea that government should not finance creative skills such as art, music and theatre is not practical. In fact, considering all the benefits that they offer, the government should take up more initiatives towards their development for the betterment of people and society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that spending money to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
is unnecessary. I completely disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
. The reasons to encourage these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects they have on the society and its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the sociocultural side, most of the human history has
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are an essential form of expression. By ignoring them, we are erasing all the possibilities of passing on our knowledge of culture and
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilisation' is British English.
civilisation
to future generations. This knowledge is a bridge between older and younger generations which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them connected.
For example
, the primitive cave drawings which are an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
form, have created knowledge among
Possible spelling mistake found.
Millenials
about the early humans.

In addition
, it
is proven
that learning these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop patience and concentration.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, learning them not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the person in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
his creativity will expand to other parts of his life which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him succeed in any other profession. A recent study in
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "The" is left.
the The
United States
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the children who learn a musical instrument are more focused when compared to others.

However
, it is a governmental responsibility to serve the public,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, discouraging the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
cannot be a solution.
Instead
, in the best interest of its citizens, there should be a balance between investing in services and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should not finance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
is not practical. In fact, considering all the benefits that they offer, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take up more initiatives towards their development for the betterment of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public service instead. with this statement. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
281 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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