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The government's investment in art, music and theater is a wast of money. Government should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extant do you agree with this statement? v.1

The government's investment in art, music and theater is a wast of money. Government should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extant v. 1
Arts, Music and theatre are a huge sector to the government for earning the money. Using money in the public services is a necessary but divert funds from the entertainment to public services is not an appropriate. To begin, the entertainment industry is generating a huge amount of money as well as providing the employment. Because of the employment, government will be getting ample amounts of tax from this area. In addition, money gets from the theatre are used in military and defence system development and in improvement for public services. So, it's all come to the public at the end. Here, I want to elaborate how government is making money from arts, Music and theatre. Firstly, any show will not executed by one person, secondly organizer will have to get permission from the local political party. Thirdly, there are many people, including making one event successful like stage developers, caters for food and drink services, light men, cameraman, sound team etc. On the other side, if the government will use totally funds in the public services that it will close the doors for earn extra money. In addition, government should not charge more than a set limit on services like bus and train fares. Furthermore, this service can not generate that much employment. To sum up, I can say that government should invest funds in the both sides as both are for public and invested funds are also come from public. So, I do not agree government is wasting funds by investing in art, Music and theatre.
Arts, Music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
are a huge sector to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
for earning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
is a necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
divert funds from the entertainment to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
is not
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
an appropriate
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, the entertainment industry is generating a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as well
as providing the employment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the employment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will be getting ample amounts of tax from this area.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
from the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in military and
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
system development and in improvement for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it's all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
. Here, I want to elaborate how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from arts, Music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
.
Firstly
, any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
will not
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "execute"
executed
by one person,
secondly
organizer will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
permission from the local political party.
Thirdly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, including making one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
successful like stage developers, caters for food and drink
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
, light
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, cameraman, sound team etc.

On the other side, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
totally
funds in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
that it will close the doors for earn extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not charge more than a set limit on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
like bus and train fares.
Furthermore
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
can not generate that much employment.

To sum up, I can say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should invest funds in the both sides as both are for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
and invested funds are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is wasting funds by investing in art, Music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The government's investment in art, music and theater is a wast of money. Government should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extant v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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