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The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. To what extent do you agree? v.2

The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. v. 2
Talking about how to suitable allocate resources to two fields between the art fields and education system. Some researchers consider that the national and local authorities should invest in education organization rather than supporting money on the arts. In my opinion, I total agree with this ideal. Nowadays, education system plays important rules for many generations especially young people because it brings more benefits in many different aspects. Firstly, rather than supporting financial aid for the arts, the authorities should encourage residents, as well as their children learning more and more by providing highly facilities for schools such as the authorities, build more schools curriculum, classroom which have fully equipped with modern facilities, it can raise people’s awareness of people by the ways they will accumulate knowledge and apply the knowledge in their life and looking more opportunities. Thanks to, the economic system will grow up as well as in developing countries more than. Another point the authorities should assist financial aid for poverty-stricken families as to encourage their children going to school by the national and local authorities to prioritize expenditure on these families like scholarships, free school fees, or maybe something like that as presents for them. Besides, the government should run several campaigns for their mental life especially children by the ways of creating many activities like cycling, walking in the park. In conclusion, education organization is one of the comprehension fields including the arts so that I think that the authorities should invest more than in this field.
Talking about how to suitable allocate resources to two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
researchers consider that the national and local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
should invest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
organization
rather
than supporting money on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. In my opinion, I total
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this ideal.

Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system plays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
generations
especially
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it brings more benefits in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects.
Firstly
,
rather
than supporting financial aid for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
should encourage residents,
as well
as their children learning more and more by providing
highly
facilities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
such as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
, build more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
curriculum, classroom which have
fully
equipped with modern facilities, it can raise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s awareness of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by the ways they will accumulate knowledge and apply the knowledge in their life and looking more opportunities. Thanks to, the economic system will grow up
as well
as in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
more than.

Another point the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
should assist financial aid for poverty-stricken families as to encourage their children going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
by the national and local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
to prioritize expenditure on these families like scholarships, free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
fees, or maybe something like that as presents for them.
Besides
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should run several campaigns for their mental life
especially
children by the ways of creating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
activities like cycling, walking in the park.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
organization is one of the comprehension
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
including the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
should invest more than in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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