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The government should allocate more funding to teach science rather than other subjects in order for a country to develop and progress. To what extent do you agree? v.2

The government should allocate more funding to teach science rather than other subjects in order for a country to develop and progress. v. 2
Education acts as a fundamental to the progress of a nation, community and an individual. The subjects involved express the trend of job opportunities in the field to some extent. However, I believe that every subject is equally important. Hence, the funding should be well distributed and not just focussed on science. To commence with, the subjects such as arts, physical education, literature etc. , are equally important for the all round development of a kid. For example, performing arts such as painting, dancing etc. , can be soothing for many because they decrease stress. Similarly, physical education teaches us some yoga poses, healthy eating habits, sports etc. , which increases the physical activities and make a person fit. All these subjects deserve grants so that any student who wants to pursue them as a career does not face any difficulties. On the other hand, science and technology needs more public grants so that scientists, researchers can perform their experiments. If these experiments are successful, then this earns the country fame worldwide. Some of these inventions may reduce the existing costs of production. This creates a positive influence and, thereby, improving investments from the other countries. Secondly, this sector generates more jobs every year, which helps a country to grow. The investments in the sciences, will make students more equipped for these jobs and thus, decreasing the unemployment. As an example, the IT sector generates most of the jobs in India every year. To conclude, I think that there is no doubt that the investment in the science is very important for any nation to make progress as it generates jobs and creates a positive influence in the world. However, I do believe that the other subjects need equal attention while funding.
Education acts as a fundamental to the progress of a nation, community and an individual. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
involved express the trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities in the field to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
However
, I believe that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
Hence
, the funding should be well distributed and not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focussed on science.

To commence with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as arts, physical education, literature etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the all round development of a kid.
For example
, performing arts such as painting, dancing etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
can be soothing for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they decrease
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Similarly
, physical education teaches us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
yoga poses, healthy eating habits, sports etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which increases the physical activities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a person fit. All these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
deserve grants
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that any student who wants to pursue them as a career does not face any difficulties.

On the other hand
, science and technology needs more public grants
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that scientists, researchers can perform their experiments. If these experiments are successful, then this earns the country fame worldwide.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of these inventions may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the existing costs of production. This creates a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence and, thereby, improving investments from the other countries.
Secondly
, this sector generates more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
every year, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
a country to grow. The investments in the sciences, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
students more equipped for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and
thus
, decreasing the unemployment. As an example, the IT sector generates most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in India every year.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there is no doubt that the investment in the science is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for any nation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
progress as it generates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and creates a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence in the world.
However
, I do believe that the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
need equal attention while funding.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The government should allocate more funding to teach science rather than other subjects in order for a country to develop and progress. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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