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The following pie charts show the results of a survey into the most popular leisure activities in the United States of America in 1999 and 2009. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The following pie charts show the results of a survey into the most popular leisure activities in the United States of America in 1999 and 2009.
Sometimes we imagine we should be something other than what we are. We think that who we are is not enough or wrong, and this is a severe thought as it may cause a long term pressure and resulting people to disappoint with themselves. Although people should accept who they are and what they are, I believe that the idea of longing to be something else is essential for people. There is little doubt that most people have been comparing themselves to others and cannot fully accept themselves for who they are. It is a negative notion that people cannot accept the reality; instead, they compare, judge, or altering about themselves. This can cause people to suffer long-term pressure and stress, and consequently, people would be disappointed about themselves. For example, parents often compare their children’s achievements for their own gratification. However, this often results in children suffering self-disapprove and believe that they can be better, and in the end, most of the children become to have a negative frame of mind. On the contrary, I believe that the notion of longing to be something else can become a motivation that drives people to accomplish their goal. When people are longing to be someone that is successful, they might work harder to full-fill the desire of becoming successful. For example, when people are longing to be a millionaire, they will work harder to earn more salaries. Therefore, I believe that although we should accept who we are and what we are, longing to be something else is essential for people to accomplish their goals. In conclusion, there are a great number of people that cannot accept who they are, and this often causes them to suffer self-disapprove, resulting in them to disappoint about themselves. Although it is crucial for people to accept who they are and what they are, longing to be something else may be a great notion as it may become a motivation for people to accomplish their goals.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
we imagine we should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
other than what we are. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
we are is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, and this is a severe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
as it may cause a long term pressure and resulting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to disappoint with themselves. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
they are and what they are, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of longing to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
else is essential for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
doubt that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been comparing themselves to others and cannot
fully
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
themselves for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
they are. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
the reality;
instead
, they compare, judge, or altering about themselves. This can cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to suffer long-term pressure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, and
consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
be disappointed
about themselves.
For example
, parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
compare their children’s achievements for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
gratification.
However
, this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
results in children suffering self-disapprove and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that they can be better, and in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, most of the children become to have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
frame of mind.

On the contrary
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the notion of longing to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
else can become a motivation that drives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to accomplish their goal. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are longing to be someone
that is
successful, they might work harder to full-fill the desire of becoming successful.
For example
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are longing to be a millionaire, they will work harder to earn more salaries.
Therefore
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that although we should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
we are and what we are, longing to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
else is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to accomplish their goals.

In conclusion
, there are a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
they are, and this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
causes them to suffer self-disapprove, resulting in them to disappoint about themselves. Although it is crucial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
they are and what they are, longing to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
else may be a great notion as it may become a motivation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to accomplish their goals.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The following pie charts show the results of a survey into the most popular leisure activities in the United States of America in 1999 and 2009.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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