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The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town and the UK as a whole in 2008. v.1

The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town and the UK as a whole in 2008. v. 1
The internet is widely used by people of varied races, religion, and nationality are able to communicate with each other easily. But, some people believe that this technology prevents us from socializing and keeps us restricted. I strongly disagree with these thoughts, as the world wide web, allows us to be more socially active by providing us the facility of texting and sending multimedia. It has also made our work easier by providing us with services like video calling. Nevertheless, it comes with certain drawbacks like decreased creativity of children and spread of misinformation. One of the main services given to us by the internet is sending text messages to any person living anywhere remote in the world just in a matter of seconds. This facility is useful in emergencies or natural disasters where a quick response is needed. For example, In the event of the tsunami in japan, many people were rescued just because they sent an alert to their emergency contacts and government authorities. To sum up, This use is very much beneficial for saving lives Another important use of this is video calling. For example, many multinational companies use this method in conducting interviews for employment of people living abroad. Sending multimedia like photographs and videos for purposes like competitions, comparisons of growth, condition of a hotel or a restaurant is also possible, which is popularly used nowadays by online based companies. To conclude, the world wide web is an effective tool for communicating and interacting. It also helps to ease the procedures of employment. The deleterious effects are those of limited child development and rise in falsehood. These issues can be tackled by governmental policies and parental monitoring.
The internet is
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of varied races, religion, and nationality are able to communicate with each other
easily
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that this technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
us from socializing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
us restricted. I
strongly
disagree with these thoughts, as the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world wide web
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
us to be more
socially
active by providing us the facility of texting and sending multimedia. It has
also
made our work easier by providing us with services like video calling.
Nevertheless
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with certain drawbacks like decreased creativity of children and spread of misinformation.

One of the main services
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to us by the internet is sending text messages to any person living anywhere remote in the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
in a matter of seconds. This facility is useful in emergencies or natural disasters where a quick response
is needed
.
For example
, In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
of the tsunami in japan,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were rescued
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
an alert to their emergency contacts and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
authorities. To sum up, This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much beneficial for saving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives


Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of this is video calling.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this method in conducting interviews for employment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living abroad. Sending multimedia like photographs and videos for purposes like competitions, comparisons of growth, condition of a hotel or a restaurant is
also
possible, which is
popularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
nowadays by online based
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

To conclude
, the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world wide web
is an effective tool for communicating and interacting. It
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the procedures of employment. The deleterious effects are those of limited child development and rise in falsehood. These issues can
be tackled
by governmental policies and parental monitoring.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town and the UK as a whole in 2008. v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
282 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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