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In many countries today, people in cities live alone or in small family units, rather than family groups. v.1

In many countries today, people in cities live alone or in small family units, rather than family groups. v. 1
Some people support the opinion that volunteering for different community activities should be mandatory for high school students. I, agree with the suggestion completely because of the benefits it can bring to an individual. First of all, unpaid community services are always appreciated due to the real life experience, they add to a person's life and especially if they are high school children. This is to say that students of that age have a comprehensive syllabus to study that leaves them exhausted and bored at times. Working for charities or doing any other volunteer work not only takes them out from the books, but also give them the insights about their surroundings. Furthermore, it helps them academically as well. For example, a survey conducted by the Australian group of educationists revealed that 80% of high school results were improved when the students opted for community activities as their minor subject. Secondly, volunteering for such services is always a good highlight on the resume. In other words, teenagers participating in these events eventually develop interpersonal skills like empathy and kindness which is considered to be an important aspect sought by most of the employers nowadays. For example, the majority of jobs advertised in The Daily newspaper of Canada in the recent years were looking for people with good interpersonal and soft skills in addition to their degrees. In conclusion, the unpaid neighbourhood service should be an integral part of high school programmers because of the obvious benefits it brings to the individual in the long run.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
support the opinion that volunteering for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
community activities should be mandatory for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students. I,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the suggestion completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the benefits it can bring to an individual.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, unpaid community services are always appreciated due to the real life experience, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
to a person's life and
especially
if they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children. This is to say that students of that age have a comprehensive syllabus to study that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
them exhausted and bored at times. Working for charities or doing any other volunteer work not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
takes them out from the books,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
give them the insights about their surroundings.
Furthermore
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them
academically
as well
.
For example
, a survey conducted by the Australian group of educationists revealed that 80% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
results were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
when the students opted for community activities as their minor subject.

Secondly
, volunteering for such services is always a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
highlight on the resume.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
participating in these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
eventually
develop interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like empathy and kindness which
is considered
to be an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect sought by most of the employers nowadays.
For example
, the majority of jobs advertised in The Daily newspaper of Canada in the recent years were looking for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
interpersonal and soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in addition
to their degrees.

In conclusion
, the unpaid
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
service should be an integral part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
programmers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the obvious benefits it brings to the individual in the long run.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay In many countries today, people in cities live alone or in small family units, rather than family groups. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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