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The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important now than it was in past v.2

The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important now than it was in past v. 2
As people don’t have time due to competition in the world so they give less importance to the family members. Firstly, In early days childrens talk to each other face to face and even make meals for each other. But after different social media platform and video games came. For example my brother doesn’t pay any respect to family members as he is always busy with his own private life, group friends, posting the pictures of them on Facebook, uploading his new Youtube video. He always play x-box and many addictive games on his mobile device. Moreover, many children are busy in preparing for different types of exams, as there is a large competition compared to the earlier time. Now coachings are present in large amount. So there are about a thousand applicants for a examination or job. Consequently the stress level in children have increased from recent times. Many children get trapped into bad habits like smoking, drinking alcohol. These things are injurious and deleterious to health. Secondly, people don’t want a large family as it creates a lot of noise. For example many children can’t study and concentrate on studies because they have teach their little brothers and sisters which consumes their time. As they start studying, so hi little cousins start having fight within them. Consequently, he can’t study in this environment. In addition people think that if they have large families, they will be always inquisitive, ask us what are we doing and poking their nose in every issue of us. So, people now say that if the family is small then there is no pressure as they expect a lot. People have their jobs at different locations as they get better salary there. That’s why people don’t have any time to visit another city to have a talk with the extended families. As they are busy with their job. So at the end, I would say that some people say that extended families given more importance today, others say that extended families are not so essential nowadays. But in my opinion from above discussion, extended families have gone extinct from our brains and are not given special treatment from anybody.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
due to competition in the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they give less importance to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.

Firstly
, In early days
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens talk
to each other face to face and even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
meals for each other.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social media platform and video games came.
For example
my brother doesn’t pay any respect to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members as he is always busy with his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
private life, group friends, posting the pictures of them on Facebook, uploading his new
Possible spelling mistake found.
Youtube
video. He always
The pronoun 'He' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "plays", "played".
play
x-box and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
addictive games on his mobile device.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are busy in preparing for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of exams, as there is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
competition compared to the earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
Possible spelling mistake found.
coachings
are present in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
amount.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
there are about a thousand applicants for
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
examination or job.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Consequently
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have increased from recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
trapped into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits like smoking, drinking alcohol. These things are injurious and deleterious to health.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t want a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as it creates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
noise.
For example
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can’t study and concentrate on studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
Use past participle here: "taught".
teach
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
brothers and sisters which consumes their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. As they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
studying,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
hi
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
cousins
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
having fight within them.
Consequently
, he can’t study in this environment. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, they will be always inquisitive, ask us what are we doing and poking their nose in every issue of us.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
say that if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
then there is no pressure as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
a lot.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have their jobs at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
locations as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better salary there. That’s why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t have any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to visit another city to have a talk with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
they are busy with their job.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, I would say that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more importance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, others say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
essential nowadays.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in my opinion from above discussion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
have gone extinct from our brains and are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
special treatment from anybody.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes

IELTS essay The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important now than it was in past v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
365 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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