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The education of young people is the main priority in countries around the world. Some people believe that educating adults who cannot read or write is essential for the society and more funding should be made available for it. To what extent do you agree v.1

The education of young people is the main priority in countries around the world. Some people believe that educating adults who cannot read or write is essential for the society and more funding should be made available for it. 1
Nowadays, the question of whether punishment would help children distinct true and false or not has been receiving a great deal of public attention. While using punishments is necessary in order to children learn from their mistakes. I believe that they are more likely to have harmful impacts. On the one hand, there are two compelling reasons why punishment should be imposed on children. Firstly, children are curious and sometimes less mature to understand deeply harmful effects of bad behaviour. Therefore, by implementing discipline, which makes kids realize their mistakes throughout new experiences, enrich knowledge and especially valuable lessons to ignore errors in the future. Secondly, not all children are docile, many are very stubborn and do not accept their shortcomings. This means that they tend to argue and shout, even unethical behaviour with their parents who bringing up them. So, that is a great tool if parents use fit sanction with them. On the other hand, I would argue that sometimes, the drawbacks are outweighed by the benefits. First, harsh punishments are likely to affect negatively and deep depressions in the long term. For example, many children over the world were dealing with death when they are punished in hard conditions like lack of food, water by their parents. Moreover, severe punishments merely frighten children and more difficult to educate them. Children respond more to affection than to abuse. Therefore, in state of applying punishments, parents could collaborate with teachers to come up with feasible solutions as a warning or self-criticism, which is a positive effect on children's cognitive development. In conclusion, although imposing some punishments can help children learn from their mistakes, the downsides of this method need to consider.
Nowadays,
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
distinct true and false or not has been receiving a great deal of public attention.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
is necessary in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn from their mistakes. I believe that they are more likely to have harmful impacts.

On the one hand, there are two compelling reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
should
be imposed
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are curious and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
less mature to understand
deeply
harmful effects of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Therefore
, by implementing discipline, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
kids realize their mistakes throughout new experiences, enrich knowledge and
especially
valuable lessons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
errors in the future.
Secondly
, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are docile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
stubborn and do not accept their shortcomings. This means that they tend to argue and shout, even unethical
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who bringing up them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
that is
a great tool if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
fit sanction with them.

On the other hand
, I would argue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, the drawbacks
are outweighed
by the benefits.
First
, harsh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
are likely to affect
negatively
and deep depressions in the long term.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
over the world were dealing with death when they
are punished
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
conditions like lack of food, water by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Moreover
, severe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
merely
frighten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and more difficult to educate them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
respond more to affection than to abuse.
Therefore
, in state of applying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could collaborate with teachers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with feasible solutions as a warning or self-criticism, which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on children's cognitive development.

In conclusion
, although imposing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn from their mistakes, the downsides of this method need to consider.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The education of young people is the main priority in countries around the world. Some people believe that educating adults who cannot read or write is essential for the society and more funding should be made available for it. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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