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some students work while they are studying, however, other students dont work. which one is your choice? v.1

some students work while they are studying, however, other students dont work. which one is your choice? v. 1
The appearance of a person certainly can attract the people around the world. In the past, most of the people had dressed themselves up by their traditional clothes as they follow their mythology. However, momentarily, the public started to wear the same attire over the globe which shows the uniformity. In my opinion, it is a beneficial practice for the mankind and my supporting arguments are discussed further in detail. To begin with, as per my opinion, this type of development affected person’s life in a positive way. The most important reason is that by following a same fashion over the world would reduce the discrimination between the people and represent the uniformity. If a person visits different places, then it would helpful for them to adjust at the unknown location, even by having similarity of their clothing trends, they feel more comfortable. Moreover, this western appearance provides comfort and people feel relax at their workplace. For example, in the past in India, women were wearing sari which would be considered as their conventional clothes during their household chores; today, they prefer the western cloth as they feel free and easy to manage their attire. Furthermore, because of advancement in the technology the entire globe had been converted into the small town and people are trying to use modernized gadgets which give them knowledge about the current trends. After acquiring this fact, they change their look, although, to make such changes they need to spend a large amount of the money. As a result, they get a standard look that would be appreciated by everyone and maintain their status in the society. For instance, most of the companies have applied the uniform to their employee and the candidate would identify by their dress as their dressing would help them to decide their seniority. In conclusion, appearance has been changed as per the time past. This would become beneficial for the people by generating the uniformity, providing comfort and follow the latest trend. The government should support this activity.
The appearance of a person
certainly
can attract the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world. In the past, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had dressed themselves up by their traditional clothes as they follow their mythology.
However
,
momentarily
, the public
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to wear the same attire over the globe which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the uniformity. In my opinion, it is a beneficial practice for the mankind and my supporting arguments
are discussed
further
in detail.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, as per my opinion, this type of development
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
person’s life in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that by following a same fashion over the world would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the discrimination between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and represent the uniformity. If a person visits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places, then it
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
would helpful
for them to adjust at the unknown location, even by having similarity of their clothing trends, they feel more comfortable.
Moreover
, this western appearance provides comfort and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel relax at their workplace.
For example
, in the past in India, women were wearing sari which would
be considered
as their conventional clothes during their household chores;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, they prefer the western cloth as they feel free and easy to manage their attire.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of advancement in the technology the entire globe had
been converted
into the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
town and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
modernized gadgets which give them knowledge about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
trends. After acquiring this fact, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their look, although, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
they need to spend a large amount of the money.
As a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a standard look that would
be appreciated
by everyone and maintain their status in the society.
For instance
, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have applied the uniform to their employee and the candidate would identify by their dress as their dressing would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to decide their seniority.

In conclusion
, appearance has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
as per the time past. This would become beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by generating the uniformity, providing comfort and follow the latest trend. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should support this activity.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay some students work while they are studying, however, other students dont work. which one is your choice? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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