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Education for young people is important in many countries. However, some people think that the government should spend more money on education in adult population who cannot read and write. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.4

Education for young people is important in many countries. However, some people think that the government should spend more money on education in adult population who cannot read and write. v. 4
The educating the young people is more important due to its benefits in the developing countries, while others believed that the state might spend more on the illiterate adults. In my point of view, I totally disagree with this statement. On the one hand, as everyone has known that education brings a significant number of benefits to the young and also the society, so maintaining the education for young people is necessary. To begin with, young people can learn the academic knowledge more easily. For example, it is reached that the proportion of people who above 24 years old, almost cannot gain amount of knowledge that they study at school. Moreover, when younger people graduated and are accepted into a good company and earning a high salary, so the tax which they need to pay for the government will also higher. When there is a significant amount of tax, the government will use it to help the poor and illiterate adults. On the other hand, in some countries, the rate of illiterate people is very high and also increasing, so paying for their education. Initially, instead of paying for illiterate people, the government should give them a significant number of training courses, so they will have a job opportunity to work as a worker in a factory or a security in a school or restaurant to get a better income giving them a job opportunity will reduce the proportion of crime due to almost the people are able to pay for their life. To sum up, I still believed that education for the young people brings them a good future and the community would become better. But the education in illiterate adults is not necessary, but the state can provide a blue-collar job to have a stable life.
The educating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
due to its benefits in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, while others believed that the state might spend more on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illiterate
adults. In my point of view, I
totally
disagree with this statement.

On the one hand, as everyone has known that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
brings a significant number of benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and
also
the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
maintaining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
necessary. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can learn the academic knowledge more
easily
.
For example
, it
is reached
that the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who above 24 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, almost cannot gain amount of knowledge that they study at school.
Moreover
, when younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
graduated and are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and earning a high salary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the tax which they need to pay for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will
also
higher. When there is a significant amount of tax, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the poor and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illiterate
adults.

On the other hand
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illiterate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high and
also
increasing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
paying for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Initially
,
instead
of paying for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illiterate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should give them a significant number of training courses,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will have a job opportunity to work as a worker in a factory or a security in a school or restaurant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better income giving them a job opportunity will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the proportion of crime due to almost the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to pay for their life.

To sum up, I
still
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
brings
them a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
future and the community would become better.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illiterate
adults is not necessary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the state can provide a blue-collar job to have a stable life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay Education for young people is important in many countries. However, some people think that the government should spend more money on education in adult population who cannot read and write. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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